Power Rankings: Week 3

With a day spent drinking heavily watching two different Seattle teams lose (what else is new?), I asked a few managers if they would like to contribute to this week’s power rankings.  Fortunately, Camel Toews GM Jesse Cook stepped up, and below are his team breakdowns.  No changes have been made other than a few grammatical and spelling corrections, and editorial comments are clearly marked.  Also, the order of the power rankings are my own, and since stattracker was blank today, I am going on pure guess, which is not much different from any other week.

1.  Captain Chinese (Previous: 2) - Somehow, Bert Fong has the #1 fantasy franchise early on in the 2010/11 campaign. Balanced scoring, two GWG’s from the likes of Big Buff, as well as stellar goaltending from last years’ tandem in Montreal, has other owners scratching their heads wondering “how the hell has this happened?” One reason was his ability to outsmart Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre by swapping Ryan Getzlaf for Jonathan Toews…another reason is he is just plain rucky. (editorial note: How the hell has this happened?)

2.  Malkin in the Middle (5) - Lost a close battle to Sultan HC, but has a team that will contend week in and week out. Cam Ward is back to his old self after taking a year off last season, and is possibly one piece away from being a force. Good thing for Dave he has Crosby, and not Malkin. Malkin is in the middle of various Russian prostitutes (DTD with a lower body injury), but rarely in the middle of any scoring on the ice.

3.  Not Poodle!!! (10) - This team flies under the radar, but has a fantastic balance of offensive talent and veteran goaltending. If Kipper and Turco can find some consistency, Not Poodle!!! should pose a threat week in and week out. Outside of Kipper, the rest of the team mirror’s Not Poodle’s low rating on the funometer. (editorial note:  Can someone please verify if GM Matt Welsh is alive?  He is still outstanding on league entry fees, and his roster is now locked.)

4.  Me So Vyborny (1) - With the #1 goalie in the NHL firmly planted on his bench, it is no wonder this team continues to lose. A word that rhymes with SPADE may be needed in order for this team to stay in the Top 5. Burrows will return this week, but sucks, especially when he will be on the 2^nd line. Sharp and Hossa (out 2-3 weeks) will surely cool down soon. (editorial note:  tough call to bench Miller or Brodeur, but Thomas should either be playing or dealt.  Also, ignore Cook and expect Burrows to be on the first line, Jesse is just bitter that Jeff Tambellini had value for about 0 games.)

5.  Sultan HC (7) - This team is pretty solid, and beat a good Malkin in the Middle squad with a great team effort. If the Caps played in any other division in the NHL, this team would be fucked…lucky for Sultan HC, they don’t.

6.  Jesse Loves Paymon (6) - Dreams really do come true, as having Joe Thornton produce 8 points in a week as well as a shut-out from Brent Johnson, allowed JLP to beat an overmatched, but better looking Camel Toews. Now that Mike Green is back, John Carlson is about as needed as the one condom in Steve’s wallet during University.

7.  Texans (8) - This team owner has more horseshoes up his ass than the rest of the league combined. BAD BAD BAD…but, manages to win again and again. Once Chris Stewart starts playing like Chris Stewart, this team will fall back to the middle of the pack.

8.  The Space for Rent $5 (9) - Riding a Budaj and a Bobrovsky  (aka Sergei Bobby!) would be great if they were blonde Swedish sisters, however, they’re actually goalies in the NHL. This spells trouble for a team with a balanced scoring attack, and the hottest player in NHL, as any cool down will result in losses. I can’t believe no one has paid $5 to rent this team’s name…remind me never to go to the bar with any of you cheap bastards----EVER.

9.  Ottawa HC (11) – Duncan Keith, GM Court Watson’s man-crush (who happens to think Court is a massive loser due to being a 30 year-old gamer) had a break-out week, much to the chagrin of Pistol’s Hellcats.  Maybe Court felt bad about beating on Pistol and worried about an Only Child Syndrome (OCS) back-lash, as he gave Pistol an early (yet ugly) Christmas present named Daniel Sedin.  This just proves Court is about as good at trades as Kordyban is at making French fries, or Kordyban’s sister is at saying “no.”

10.  Super Sperm (4) - Unfortunately, Ryan doesn’t have twin Ovechkin’s, as relying on one player to carry the load week in and week out will ultimately lead to…tears. Wahhhhhhh!!!

11.  Bizzarohawks (3) - Were smoked by Texans this past week, as the problems in net are as gaping as Steve’s anus after a Saturday night with Lexington Steele.

12.  Camel Toews (12) - After getting smoked by Jesse Loves Paymon, Jesse is happy to bid farewell to Steve “I was only good as a Rookie” Mason. While having the most moves at the Commodore Ballroom resulted in countless conquests, none of GM Jesse Cook’s league leading 15 moves have resulted in….well…..anything. Look for more moving and shaking (er…gyrating) in the quest to acquire the best looking player in the NHL. Until then, thank your lucky stars if you play this team in the next 1-24 weeks.

13.  Pistol’s Hellcats (14) - Another week, another loss. Pistol Pete was busy fleecing Ottawa HC for Daniel Sedin, and adding his ugly brother, Henrik by way of Camel Toews. In a battle of the bottom feeders, Pistol and Cook will face off this week…too bad this wasn’t survivor and one could be eliminated. (editorial note:  even with both Sedins, would have still lost this week.  To live and die by players on one NHL team never works.)

14.  Kanucks (13) - Jonathan Quick is playing lights out, but cannot possibly keep up this pace the entire season. This spells trouble for a team with only one big-name player, however, the Hall/Eberle connection is starting to take shape, and should help this team out of the league basement 5 years from now. Look for 3-4 moves (i.e. not pirouettes, jumping jacks or weird shit not called weight-lifting) to get this team out of its funk.

Quote of the week

“How is my trade offer made public?  Even if you do find out, are you crossing the line of objectivity by using it in your post?”

Yeah, because this blog has always be so clearly objective.  Nominated for a fucking Peabody it is so objective.

Rejected Trade of the week

Offered:  Antti Niemi

Asking:  Craig Anderson, Semyon Varlamov and Andrei Kostitsyn

and a guarantee of always smelling like wilderness, open air and freedom.