Power Rankings: Week 12

Canada lost tonight because they suck.  Similar to Jesse Loves Paymon.

1.  Anzoolander (Previously: 1) – I am keeping this team here just to jinx them.  Is there anyone who thinks they actually belong here?  I thought so.  The team went to shit when GM Jesse Cook let his emotions get the best of him and dealt Eberle for Kane.  Boom.  Roasted.

2.  Me So Vyborny (2) – Just keeps churning along.  I don’t know what will stop them.  I wonder if GM Matt Meier knows his team is doing so well?

3.  Pistol’s Hellcats (3) – I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I put this team any higher, because I strive to be as deadly accurate as I can on this list.  Also, know what team only has two games the first week of Puck You’s playoffs?  Yup, the Vancouver Canucks.  Pistol’s Hellcats, please exit stage left, and you are paying for the pole stains.

4.  Everett Silvertips (6) – This team might have alligator blood.  Statistically, not a very good team, but keeps either winning or keeping matches close.  The Carter trade hasn’t worked out, and GM Court Watson has considered taking the Black for his betrayal of his Grace, Joffrey (1% of you will get that).

5. Captain Chinese (4) – Other teams should be scared of this team, but only if they are in the top 6 in the power rankings.  Why?  Captain Chinese is 4-1 against the other 5 in the top 6.  If only this wasn’t a shitty team that loses to bottom feeders regularly, it might have an actual chance.

6. Kanucks (5) – Silvertips GM Court Watson tried to give Kanucks GM Dave Kitchen a heads up on how to use IR.  Said Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble, “Your job is to police collusion, not stupidity.”  Good point, nice Kessel trade, idiot.

7.  Texans (8) – I can’t tell if Texans GM Chris Thomas gets the nod as the Taco of this league.

8.  Crosby’s Concussions (10) – When Crosby is out Bylsma still makes his team a winner…what the fuck is your excuse?

9. Not Poodle (9) – GM Matt Welsh is my favorite right now for the Taco of this league.

10. Bizzarohawks (7) – Has taken a battering as of late as this team goes through the top teams in the league.  Not sure what this team can do to turn it around, but it definitely needs an offensive spark.

11. Clarence Swamption (14) – Watch this team, I am a little nervous about how they are quietly coming back.

12. Flowers In The Cage (12) – Took advantage of an injured team last week, looks to be holding its own this week against another good team. Dare I say comeback? I dare not.

13. Jesse Loves Paymon (11) – GM Steve McIntyre loves his iPhone so much he doesn’t call it a phone, just an iPhone.  He had the following conversation with his iPhone’s voice assistance app, Siri, this past weekend.

Steve:  “What does my fantasy hockey team look like this week?”

Siri: “I don’t know, I have gone blind from looking at it it is so ugly”

Steve: “What can I do to fix it?”

Siri: “How can you fix a fantasy hockey team that looks as bad as Team Canada at the World Juniors.  What the fuck are you, the modern day sphinx?  What kind of riddle was that?”

Steve: “Good day, Siri.”

Siri: “Has anyone told you how ugly you are today. Mr. McIntyre?  Well, let me be the first.”

14.  Super Sperm (13) – Now statistically the worst team in the league.  Proving the regular season run of last year was a total and complete fluke.  P.S. Nice six week losing streak.

Smack Talk. Drunk.

Periodically we are fortunate enough to have a league general manager dabble a little too much in the moon shine and give his thoughts on the current status of the league. 
Last night happened to be one of these nights, and I thought  quick break down of GM Jesse Cook’s drunken chirping was in order.  No grammar or spelling has been corrected (as you will clearly see).

1.  On his own matchup: “Fuck me losing to Fatty is like like losing to Steve at The Wild Coyote----Im terrible i should kill myself.”

As any teenager from Richmond in the late 90s would know, the Wild Coyote was a lower tier “nightclub” on the south border of Vancouver that was full of slutty, easy girls.  You could literally be dead, and still take a girl home from that place.  Steve never did, because standing in the corner talking to no one is apparently not the best strategy for getting laid, just the best strategy for having some alone time later to pound the meat whistle.

2.  On the Everett Silvertip vs. Texans matchup: “2 gamers dont make a right.” 

On the surface, this refers to the fact that both Silvertips’ GM Court Watson and Texans’ GM Chris Thomas own an Xbox 360 and entertain themselves playing it while they wait for their wives to get ready for outings.  A psychiatrist would say this is Jesse hiding the inadequacies he feels in dealing in the modern era of technology, as newer devices don’t lend themselves to the hands, and brain, of a semi-retarded gorilla.

While we are on this subject, can someone tell me why some guys complain when their significant other takes forever to get ready?  Are you an idiot?  Do you actually want to go to wherever you are supposed to be?  99% of the time it isn’t front row seats to a sporting event, it is probably to either 1) hang out with her friends, 2) hang out with other couples, which is also boring or 3) go to something super stupid, like the Juno awards or a Michael Buble concert.  I always encourage my wife to take as much time as she needs and try on as many outfits as possible, because, yes, those jeans do make your ass look huge.

3.  On the Flowers in the Cage vs. Jesse Loves Paymon matchup: “You both are terrible at Fantasy--just awful.” 

This one is actually on point, pretty lucid based on how drunk Cook seems.

4.  On the Pistol Hellcat’s vs. Crosby’s Concussions matchup: “What is the negro grimacing at? Grimace?” 

This refers to Crosby’s Concussions team picture.  I would like the think the negro is grimacing as a result of brain freeze from eating chilled watermelon.  If you think that is racist, you should see Santa:

Merry Fucking Christmas. Except you, Miguel.

5.  On Super Sperm vs. Me So Vyborny matchup:  “Boy Schwabbs ur twins have taken the shit out of our anus an dturned you into the worst fuck ever.” 

I am honestly at a loss here.  I think it has something to do with Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble having kids and not having enough time to pound the shit out of Jesse’s anus, which is most likely what Jesse was getting at.

6.  On Captain Chinese versus Bizzarohawks matchup: “bad bad bad bad.”

(nodding head in agreement)

7.  On Clarence Swampton vs. Kanucks matchup: “2 losers don’t make it a win.” 

They do if it is these two, at least for the rest of us:

Yay for losers.

I imagine Cook’s wife was both angry and impressed when she woke up to find Jesse looking like this (the Gorilla exhibited adaptive thinking!):

I strongly encourage all of you to get drunk more often and share your thoughts on the league openly.

Power Rankings: Week 9

We are almost half way through the season and there is beginning to be clear separation between the haves and have nots. If I was an Occupy Wallstreet douchebag, I would demand that the top two teams give me their players for nothing, demanding someone else pay my league dues and someone else pay my transaction fees, and then accuse everyone else of being greedy, because I am entitled, hypocritical douchebag. But I am not, so I say good on them.

1. Anzoolander (Previous: 2) – We have a new number one in the League. Ryan Miller is returning and just in time, as the Wall is starting to show cracks and Harding’s time is becoming more limited.

2. Me So Vyborny (1) – Goalies are a concern for this team, as the Bruins look like they are giving Thomas a rest, and Crawford sucks. Good thing this team has Vezina candidate Al Montoya waiting in the wings.

3. Pistol’s Hellcats (6) – This team is firing on all cylinders and shouldn’t miss GM Pete Shpak when he leaves to fulfill his holiday obligations.

You mean you didn’t know Pete was a elf? Wasn’t it obvious?

4. Captain Chinese (7) – Love the trade GM Bert Fong pulled off securing arguably the best sophmore player in the league in Jordan Eberle. This team will eventually self destruct, but I am in the holiday spirit, so I rank them here.

5. Kanucks (4) – Dave, hope you are feeling better after being sick, and that you learned a valuable lesson:

6. Everett Silvertips (5) – GM Court Watson, after watching both Taylor Hall and Mike Richards go on injured reserve this week:

7. Bizzarohawks (3) – GM Scott Freeland, upon seeing the how badly his team got beat by a team that lost two of its best players:

8. Texans (10) – 24 points with Zac Parise on the bench. WTF was Zac Parise doing on the bench, ever?

9. Not Poodle (12) – This is exactly the right role for Fatty, given how much value he adds to anything his fantasy hockey team:

10. Crosby’s Concussions (11) – We learned that Crosby can’t make a bad fantasy team good, or even average, or even slightly better than poor. Trade a goalie or something.

11. Jesse Loves Paymon (9) – Heading into this week, JLP was ranked dead last in four statistical categories, which is more than any other team, so it is the best at the worst, which is nice. The key to salvation? Tyler Ennis and Steve Mason. Yeah, I started chuckling too.

12. Flowers In The Cage (13) – I just looked at the stats and this team’s lineup. I think Brodeur might not be the best goalie in the league anymore; call me crazy, but I am gonna go with my instincts on this one. If I wasn’t so lazy, I would re-rank this team as last, but I am.

13. Super Sperm (8) – The team got pounded this week, and then tossed aside like a rag doll (click on the picture to make it move):

14. Clarence Swampton (14) – How bad has it gotten? Yes, this bad: