Power Rankings: Week 2

If there is one thing the NHL does better than the NBA, it is that they don’t have rapists, drug dealers, crips, bloods, and juicers scheduling; no games on Sunday, competing with the NFL. Smart move. Because of this, the week was over on Saturday.

1. Andre Poodle Lussier (Previous: 3) – Solid offense and solid goaltending notched this team a victory this week. Other teams keep stepping up there game to play this team, and this team doesn’t back down. The scary thing is that both Mike Richards and Chris Pronger rode the pine all week long. It will be interesting to see if Simeon Varlamov can handle the rigors of the lone starter with Jose Theodore down and out from back spasms. If he can, this team should keep on chugging. Steve McIntyre An unidentified source hinted that GM Matt Welsh would use the proceeds to remove his gay bull's-eye tattoo should he win this league. I now know who I am rooting for.

2. $0.20 Kane (5) – A dominating performance from a very, very good roster. There is a little cause for concern when your leading goal scorer is Sean Avery, but luckily for GM Steve McIntyre, this is not an indication of a lack of talent on this team. As All For Paymon GM Jesse Cook stated, it was a “dead fluke (he) was able to even compete with this team, and this was the clear frontrunner.” Indeed.

3. In Over My Head (4) – A win this week to take top spot in the Campbell Conference almost solely due to outstanding goaltending. There are reasons for concern though, as both goalies are playing well above historical statistical averages and the offense could only muster 12 points. Perhaps the offensive struggles have something to do with the messy divorce of injured D-man Sheldon Souray and Baywatch hotty who cares what her name is Angelica Bridges. Nobody outside the locker room knows for sure, but GM Cole Ballard has to do something to get a stir from this offense.

4. TBD (2) – Riding the strong play of Mike Knuble, this team continues to looks good despite the fact that sniper Phil Kessel sits on the IR. Craig Anderson continues his solid play and if sausage pasta can get his game under control this team should be a contender the whole year.

5. Grand Rapid T-Hawks (1) – Not the finest performance this week as this team struggles in net and the offense was sluggish. Look for this to team possibly make some trade offers in an attempt to strengthen up in net now that Cristobal Huet is all but assured a starting spot…in the AHL.

6. Kanucks (7) – Walked away with a win this week despite having an injury to Pavel Datsyuk. The scary part about this win was that no one player really overachieved, each player is playing right around their historical career averages for the season. Lucky for this team, the loss of Datsyuk will not be too sorely missed as a hot Andy McDonald is ready to step up. Oh wait, GM Dave Kitchen dropped him. Ouch.

7. Dave’Killer’Carlson (6) – Good offense and great goaltending helped this team to a tie this week. Could we be seeing a repeat of last year? For the love of fucking god, I hope not.

8. Malkin in the Middle (10) – Solid performance this week as the team moved above .500. One wonders what this team could be if GM Dave Dugan could figure out how to use IR; he would be able to pick up two more players. Dave, please figure this out, it isn’t rocket science.

9. Suck It Trebek (8) – A good performance this week, but not a great performance. Having Milan Michalek on the bench the game he buried two shorties sure did hurt. Goaltending needs to improve, but not by much. This team might be jumping up the standings (and power rankings in the weeks to come).

10. Texans (12) – Held its own against a very good team. The only thing missing from this team is goaltending, and it is missing in the worst way. Looks like GM Chris Thomas is gonna have to put down the chicken-fried steak and make some trade offers to shore up the net.

11. Amish Rake Fighters (13) – Sometimes timing is everything, and this week, everything went wrong for this team. Uncharacteristically bad goaltending and horrible plus/minus puts this team in the cellar, but I wouldn’t be too surprised if this team mounts a comeback. The key will be GM Peter Burns management style.

12. Montreal Wanderers (11) – The team has struggled and wound up with close losses the last couple of weeks, but it looks like things might be turning as Tim Connolly and Henrik Zetterberg picked things up a bit this week. An injury to Thomas Vanek will hurt the team this week as it struggles to find its identity and desperately needs a winning week.

13. Swedish Old Balls (9) – Bad offense, bad goaltending, and indecisive management. This team has it all. 1st decent move only took after 2 weeks and 8 moves into the season; that trend will get this team far.

All For Paymon (14) – GM Jesse Cook changes the team name so many times that the reason can only be that he is sexually confused and has deep, repressed feelings for male model Paymon Torabian. I liken this team to its most recent pickup; not very talented and making the most of others’ injuries. GM Jesse Cook was also credited as being the single reason for blowing a 5-1 third period lead for Two In The Box of the Coast Hockey League, with two own goals, colliding with his own defenders to give the other team 2 breakaways, and then getting a game misconduct for tomahawking the opposing goalie on the head during a stoppage in play. What a winner.

Power Rankings: Week 1

If anyone thinks this week gave any indication who has a strong team and who has a weak team, they are wrong, unless it is regarding which team sucks, it which case they are right.  Some game changing injuries to start off the season; sucked in to all those who lost players.  For newbies, keep in mind that there are IR spots that can be utilized to save a hurt player and free up a roster spot.  If you were in this league in previous years, you know this.  If you are Matt Welsh, you are an idiot.

1.  Grand Rapid T-Hawks (Previous: 4) – As predicted last week, this team has the makings of an offensive juggernaut, riding the stealthy late pick of Anze Kopitar, the offense covered what could be gently described as weak goaltending.  It will be interesting to see if the offense has the staying power to keep this up throughout the year.

2.  TBD (3) – I said I liked this team, and it didn’t disappoint, strong showing in the past week making up for the lack of participation from the general manager, whose has been a mute with the exception of calling Montreal Wanderers’ GM Court Watson a “dick.”

3.  Andre Poodle Lussier (6) – An example that diversification works, this team started hot right out of the gates.  Dropping Franzen for no reason will keep the rest of the league scratching their heads like they got crabs from a Kardashian.  Hopefully, the dumbness of that move won’t come back to bite him, like a crab from a Kardashian.

4.  In Over My Head (11) – Tough to get to excited about this team yet; they beat team auto-draft, so it isn’t necessarily a good indication of what this team has.  In other news, GM Cole Ballard recently completed the 60 mile walk over 3 days for breast cancer awareness, well done.  You can still donate to cancer research and support him here.  The good news is that you know he will finish and your money will be well spent, because he has already done it.  The funds will go along way in finding a cure for breast cancer and keep puck bunnies looking good.  Next year, Cole is planning on doing 100 miles in 2 days.  TBD GM Scott Freeland did 100 miles this morning before work.

5.  $0.20 Kane (2) – A slow start, but GM Red McIntyre isn’t too worried about the offense coming around.  Goalies are suspect though, and one can’t help but wonder if Stevie Franchise is about to enter a sophomore slump.  Red expressed potential interest in Turco when he couldn’t figure out how to read league transactions, going off the record to say that Ray Emery sucked more dick than Red himself does.

6.  Dave’Killer’Carlson (1) – This just in, GM Mike Gaunt logged in for the first time yesterday.

7.  Kanucks (7) – All that pilates GM Dave Kitchen had Paul Kariya doing paid off right out of the gates.  Discretion must be taken when valuing this team however, they beat a team whose GM saw ice for the first time a month ago.

8.  Suck it Trebek (9) – A healthy Gaborik makes this team deadly.  How long the goaltenders will last will be crucial to this team’s success.

9.  Swedish Old Balls (13) – The veterans played pretty well last week, but they are still old and now a Sedin is out for a week.  The goalies are off to a rough start, but they should come around right about the time the rest of the team dies retires slows down.

10.  Malkin in the Middle (5) – Lost the first of many battles of Gannon State Alums.  For 100 fun points, can anybody find that school on a map without help?  Hint: They give scholarships to golfers who can’t break 90.  That isn’t actually a hint, I just wanted to point that out.

11.  Montreal Wanderers (8) – Slow start could be concerning, then again, he may have just played a hot team.  Either way, this team needs to pick it up this week to stop the free fall into the cellar.

12.  Texans (12) – Painful loss of Andrei Markov really, really hurts this team, along with shoddy goaltending from the Tomas Vokoun that needs to change quickly.  I would tell other GMs to expect trade feelers headed their way from GM Chris Thomas, but I am not sure he knows how to propose a trade.

13. Amish Rake Fighters (10) – Doesn’t look like a Cinderella story here folks.  Decent netminding and slow offense produced lackluster results.  The only thing that may save this team is the general sports fantasy prowess of GM Peter Burns.

14.  Bite Me (14) – Question: which team is the first to drop its first round draft pick?  Why, the worst team in the league of course!  Not only that, but the first rounder was dropped for a player who won’t see the starting line up until the third or second last week of the the fantasy hockey league schedule.  The best part is that GM Jesse Cook made his moves so poorly that he gave up two healthy players for one IR player and one healthy player…retarded, to say the least.  The very fact that he hasn’t filled the empty roster spot he now has by moving Johan Franzen to IR is further evidence Cook realizes how stupid he is and is hoping nobody claims O’Sullivan on waivers (or he is trying to get Bertuzzi as a handcuff for Franzen) so he can re-add him to his roster.  Smooth Cook, smooth.

Preseason Power Rankings

The draft has come and gone and only one manager didn’t make it.  That strategy may pay off for him, since he used the same strategy last year and won it all.  That being said, lets take a look at the preseason rankings.  These rankings are solely based on the opinion of…me.

1)  Dave’Killer’Carlson – It worked last year, and until knocked off this year, this team remains atop the power rankings.  Strong at center, as Sidney Crosby dropped to #4 in the draft, but may be slightly lacking in the Defense and Wing positions.  Somehow managed to pickup two very strong netminders.  Maybe this autodraft strategy is ninja-like; nobody even noticed GM Mike Gaunt auto-grab Henrik Lundqvist and Marty Brodeur

2)  $0.20 Kane – Very solid draft for GM Red McIntyre, who could once again lead every offensive category and still come near the bottom because of poor management.  Real weakness may come in the form of Ray Emery, coming off a stint in the KHL that can best be described as suck.

3)  TBD – As much as we laugh at the drafting of Nikolai Zherdev, who may never set foot on the ice in an NHL game this season, there is quite a bit of talent on this team.  Look for manager Scott Freeland to make some moves to shore up his wingers.  One thing is for sure, this team has the funniest picture of Jesse in his ugly years, which is now  best jersey…ever.

4)  Grand Rapid T-Hawks – Has the makings of an offensive juggernaut, with the Achilles heel potentially being what is in net.  Both goalies are projected to be backups by week 4, because both are on shitty teams that suck, especially the French asshole.

5)  Malkin in the Middle – Wisdom, youth, snipers, specialty players…I like this team, with the exception of the Native American on the team who keeps yelling at GM David Dugan, “Your not the boss of me now!”

6)  Andre Poodle Lussier – Moved away from the Detroit Red Wings only strategy last year, now has a pretty solid team.  Ovechkin will be the backbone of this team, Varlamov will break the back of this team.  Go fuck yourself, Fatty.

7)  Kanucks – If anything, GM and aerobic instructor David Kitchen should be able to keep Paul Kariya in excellent condition and healthy for a record 2 games.

8)  The Montreal Wanderers – Will sit in the middle of the power rankings until the youth and band-aids decide what they want to do.  4 players who are either rookies or 2nd year players, and 3 players who often miss more games with injury than they play.  If everything clicks, which it most likely won’t, this team could be a force to reckon with…doubtful.

9)  Suck it Trebek – 2 questionable goalies and an unproven rookies are the 3 legs of this stool; originally it was a chair, but the 4th leg was Gaborik and it collapsed in the breeze.

10)  Amish Rake Fighters – The push to get goalies early may have been a good move; then again, Mikka Kiprusoff could continue the slow painful death that is his career, with statistics getting worse every year.  Offense on this team is made up of a sandlot of players that probably won’t do much.

11)  In Over My Head – Too many Thrashers, and an Islander defensemen.  When their average goalie on an average team or a good goalie on a brutal team need replacing, they have Jon Quick.  Next.

12)  Texans – Give GM Chris Thomas credit, it was his first draft, and he went with what he knew, which was local talent.  Don’t think it will pay off, but props for supporting the new hometown team.

13)  Cut From Coed Soccer – His fetish for old people is getting downright creepy.  Drafted Teemu Selanne and spent half the draft looking for Forsberg.  They were good in 1999, get over them.

14)  Havlat OWNS Huet – Wow.  Draft SNAFU.  GM Jesse Cook claims that Jimmy Howard was drafted 9TH OVERALL on accident, in an attempt to draft Nabakov.  $0.20 Kane GM Red McIntyre responded most eloquently, “Accident?  How was it an accident?  Cook meant to draft Howard.  Cook's so dumb he probably thought Howard would be starting for the Wings this year and labelled Howard as a sleeper pick.  Clearly, the only one sleeping here was Cook.  Nice one Anzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzze.”  Yes, nice one.