If there is a better week in fantasy hockey than the final week of the regular season, I know not. Once again this league is very close, with 5 playoff spots still up for grabs, and only one team mathematically eliminated from contention. Today we will be trying out a new system of ranking the teams in the league, it should be pretty easy to figure out what it is.
The Marissa Miller group
Perfection.
1. The 2009 San Jose Sharks (1) – Goalies getting better and better, offense clicking, and weak spots being traded to stud teams to become instantly better. Pretty much as close to perfection as humanly possible.
The Bar Rafaeli group
Not perfect, but a close second.
2. Grand Rapid T-Hawks (3) – In what should have been a shit kicking, this team did exactly that. An unlikely roster of misfits seems to be solid week in and week out. Goaltending is suspect after the beat down Cristobal Huet took yesterday.
3. Dave’Killer’ Carlson (4) – Great comeback this weekend to chop with arguably the best offense in the league. Showed that at the very least any team it meets in the playoffs will have to be strong in all categories, not just a few.
4. Montreal Wanderers (6) – Huge, convincing win this week after a slow start, despite the lackluster performance of its star player. Goaltending could be the achilles, but this offense is one of the most potent in the league.
The Brooklyn Decker Group
Certainly attractive, but not at the level of the goddesses above and probably advanced her career the most by marrying an famous athlete.
5. Texans (7) – The only team in the Wales to clinch a playoff spot, but I am not sold on this team. Wins big against bad teams but struggles against good teams. Time will tell on this team.
6. Bizarrohawks (5)
7. Champs (8) – Was very aggressive before the trade deadline and made this team better long term, though it might not be enough in the short term. Devastating loss last week puts this team on the bubble with a tough matchup this week. Is there anything sweeter than watching someone get knocked out by their brother in law?
8. Malkin In the Middle (2) – Has cooled down and is battling injuries. Luckily, is playing the worst team in the league this week, so should make it into the playoffs. If this team doesn’t, it is well deserved.
The Kim Kardashian Group
Only ‘Famous’ for blowing some dude, really only looks good with a shit load of makeup and airbrushing. Similarly, the teams below can at times look good, but in reality, they aren’t.
9. Amish Rake Fighters (10) – GM Peter Burns doesn’t even remember he owns this team, winning is unlikely.
10. We All Look The Same (9) – This team has the most potent offense in the league. But from week to week they are always missing something that would get them enough wins to move up in the standings.
11. Kanucks (14) – Need the stars to align to even have a prayer of making the playoffs. Not for nothing, GM Dave Kitchen has tackled roster management similar to the way he would attack a guacamole, shit, cucumber, and zucchini salad with water dressing after doing 180 lbs. clean jerk dead thrust squat hang lifts. The moves just haven’t panned out for him.
The Chloe Kardashian Group
So bad I vomit in my mouth just thinking about her, or these teams. Not even sure why she is famous, or how someone finds her attractive. Her only feature has to be she will let you put it anywhere.
12. Jesse Loves Paymon (12) – nine points out of the playoffs but playing the best team in the league. Another year, another potential playoff season on the links. Rumor is that in a team meeting this week, the team considered firing owner/GM Steve McIntyre.
13. Suck It Trebek (11) – Painful, ugly loss this past week, probably more of the same this week.
14. Andre Poodle Lussier (13) – Well, on the bright side, GM Matt Welsh got married and a bought a dog this year. Too bad he can’t balance more than two things at once, and clearly knows nothing about hockey. Except maybe what skates to buy.
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