Playoff Preview: Round One

It is that time of year again, springtime. After a hard winter, the hardiest of life is shaping into form. As in life, fantasy hockey is no different. The league has culled the complete losers, and the remaining teams will now battle it out for the Gauntlet.

Spring is personified with change, and this year, that change is bittersweet. No longer the Anze Cup, the championship has a new name in honor of The Krakheads former GM, Mike Gaunt. Everyone knows Mike as a lover of prime rib and red wine who could give as well as he could take. The thing I will always remember about Mike is he read every single word of every single Harry Potter book to his son as his son was growing up, and how Mike said it changed his relationship with his son. I’m glad he was able to beat cancer back, if only for that period of time.

Welcome Rick Grady as the new GM of the Krakheads, you have big shoes to fill.

It’s an exciting time. Significant others of those still in the playoffs get to hear just a little bit more every day about something they could not care less about. And with that, lets look at the first round matchups.

1. Mitch Please versus 8. Zero Hit Wonder (Regular season record: 13-12 for Zero Hit Wonder)

Is there a more apt name for the team managed by GM Ryan Schauble? Low risk, low reward, that team is about as interesting as a treasury bond and like a long-term treasury bond, as the world changes it becomes a liability. This year was different, believe it or not. All but two starters in the top 150 (more than Mitch Please, btw). So where has it all gone wrong? Schawful management. Six goalies on the roster. Six. The best bench player on offense is ranked 251. There are over 25 players who are healthy and available ranked higher. And to top it all off, this team started a player with one knee this week. Doomed to fail. Another year, zero impact. Mitch Please continues to roll on winning the President’s Trophy for best regular season performance. Like any top team other teams will step their game up just a bit to beat this team, but this week that other team won’t have enough. There are whispers of dynasty when this team comes up in one-way conversations between league GMs and their significant others. Paymon just rolls his eyes because Jesse won’t shut the fuck up and play the role of big spoon quietly.

Prediction: Mitch Please over Zero Hit Wonder – 8-6-2

2. The Krakheads versus 7. Anzoolander (Regular season record: 7-7)

Veterans and average goaltending, two teams built very similar. One built methodically, one built sacrificing the first three rounds of the draft next year. Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook has proven this year his roster building skills through trades are on par with his drafting skills. Maybe the least interesting of all matchups, two teams of players who are past their prime, grinding it out. Teams like these two rely on one thing; volume. The more games, the better the chances. With that, I like Anzoolander in this matchup with 4 more games this week.

Prediction: Anzoolader over the Krakheads – 8-5-3

3. Hellcunts versus 6. Suck My Deke (Regular season record: 14-12 Hellcunts)

If I never hear another word about Tage Thompson I will be a happy man (my pronouns are fuck you/fuck that/fuck off). Hellcunts have a great offensive team. So does Suck My Deke. GM Jody Evans went all in before the trade deadline, selling the future to buy immortality. I love it. I expect the winning team in this matchup to have a GAA of about .650. Awful goalies both of them but as Mike Gaunt once said, “goalies don’t matter.” So we have two teams that will be emotional roller coasters the whole week. It's funny how like dogs, fantasy hockey teams often reflect their owners.

Prediction: Suck my Deke puts up a good battle, but Hellcunts are too prolific on offense, with Hellcunts winning 7-6-3

4. Blades of Steel versus 5. Jesse Loves Paymon (Regular season record: 14-13, Blades of Steel)

Not to diminish other players on Blades, but isn’t the first thing everyone look at on this team is how many games McDavid has (it is three, one against Seattle, which has an average goals against per game of eleventy)? GM Luke Mackinnon continues his ways of making successful trades to round out his roster and this season was no different. The standings probably mask how deep this team is. Conversely, Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre has built a boring team that is exactly in the standings where it should be. The only way this even appears close is if Otter has a good week (which has been rare since he was traded) and JLP picks up some goalie categories.

Prediction: Otter does pick up some goalie categories, and it looks closer than it is. Blades of Steel wins 9-4-3

Good luck to everyone.

A Champion's Message, Long Overdue

As a result of multifactor authentication hell, forgotten past words, unrecognized devices, and generally fuckery on behalf of myself, we FINALLY have the Champions message to share. At least he got his Anze Cup somewhat timely.  Enjoy this bit of poetry from defending champion, Mitch Please's Ryan Zupan:

There are few key moments in a man’s life that he takes to his grave & savors with the final exhale… his first beer, first bang, first threesome, first tag team threesome, his first time out with Combo, first fish, first kill, first Swedish kill, first Asian kill, first kill in a hot tub on the field of an Edmonton Eskimos game (don’t cancel!), and at the top of the list, the first championships…

With some men the list of wins fills up an entire lifetime that’s relived & savored like a dripping piece of brisket on a Sunday smoke sesh.  With some men that final moment has enough wins to last for eternity.  Some call it heaven. 
 
For the 13 degen GMs who lay beneath Mitch Please, on their death beds they shall see this face when they scroll past 2021.  The face of a champion:

Winners fucken win, boys.

 

Seven years.  Seven goddamn years it took to draft & trade & waiver wire pickup my way out of the trash squad I inherited when I joined this league of shitbags.  Todd inherited Sidney Crosby.  I inherited Mikko Koivu.  Life ain’t fair but winners don’t care. 

 

14 GMs, one cup.  I like my cups Anze’d, hows about you? 

 

I actually felt bad so splurged & got you all one of your own:

It took a global pandemic to take last season’s championship run from me (and I will most certainly be etching 2020 onto this year’s cup, you can bet on that).  This season, not even the Fauci fiends themselves could stand in the way.  I’ll take my coronas.. WITH A LITTLE BIT A' LIME IN MY ANZE BABY.

 

Consider this, the Deutsch dangler Leon (the Professional) Draisatl & Meeeech Mahnah, franchise cornerstones, were picked up off the goddamn waiver wire.  Whaaaaat a bunch of idiots.  Jerry Seinfeld once said, ‘Adjacent to refuse is refuse.’  I am here today to tell you that I ate that éclair & lllllloved every minute of it.  The only refuse here IS the 13 GMs who will watch me guzzle pilsners from this beauty for the next lifetime. 

 

Shout out to the greasy cogs who keep this trash machine churning.  Except you, Court.  You suck.

 

This cup shall never runneth over (because I drink like a goddamn man & stay on top of that shit).

-Z

The Champion’s Message, Finally.

Every year, as is tradition, the champion of our league addresses all the losers. Our current champion, Hatrick Swayze’s Todd Toothill, did as much as that in April. However, I am have been tardy in posting it, because I don’t have time and have lost interest in this blog and league. So, without further adieu, here is Todd’s deep thoughts:

Sweet Victory indeed. Each and every one of you should be very proud of your accomplishment this year. You battled hard all year, and in the end, was a very successful season.

I’m of course talking to the players on the Championship roster of Hatrick Swayze, and not you loser GMs. You guys are terrible.

As I reflect on the year it was, the path to winning pretty much followed my path in life. That is, do the absolute least to get the absolute most. The definition of Value Based Success:

• Overtake the Chumps in the final week of the season for First place; Just enough.
• Nudge out the Silverchips in round 1 with an 8-6 victory, losing G,A,P,+/-,PPG,PPA; Just enough.
• Beat Anzepoolander on the final day of the semis 8-5, losing every goalie category except starts; Just enough.
• And in the finals, inching by on meaningless categories to secure victory 8-4;

Just enough.

Imagine if I put any time and effort into this thing at all, what we could accomplish? 9-3! 10-2! Sky’s the limit I say, but please GMs, continue doing what you’re doing as I much prefer to win in the style I’ve become accustomed to. And by the way, I know what you’re thinking. Thinking of calling me the “L” word. But you’re wrong, it’s not lazy, it’s selective participation.

As I was looking for inspiration in writing this Champion’s Message, I happened to take a gander at last year’s message. As I waded through the grammar inconsistencies and lack of parallel structure, I happened across this little nugget:

“*Side note: It makes me wonder what the over/under would be on when the most confident fantasy hockey GM ever to grace us with his presence  wins his first Anze Cup; When can GM Hattrick Swayze put together a winning team, or will he just continue with the trend of playing with fantasy AIDS? #winning” 

The answer, Luke, is Under. The fastest GM victory in the history of Puck Yourself from start date (not including the first 4 years of the league of course). Suck on that, and for fuck sakes, can you please find yourself a good team name. How about this one:

And, as I make my way off the parade float, some parting shots to a few of my fellow Puck Yourself combatants:

ChingChongBingBong: Hey! Look at you! You made your first post season appearance in a decade (or more??)! Thanks to that stellar couple of weeks that Markstrom got you, you made it in. And if I recall correctly, that was a trade that you and I made. So while other GM’s (Luke) take advantage of the meek, your champion boosts them up. You’re welcome, Bert, for helping you achieve your goals. And you’re also welcome, rest of league, for creating parity.

Everett Silvertips: Thanks for all you do in running this great league. Kudos on a job…done.

Hellcunts: Jesus what happened to you. No really, what happened. You used to be fun. Now you’re just, done.

Philosopher Mcdavid Chumps: Somebody help this team find a name. Anybody. Can’t wait for the lunch. Where in Vancouver can you get Wagyu Steak again?

Anzepoolander: Ape.

All jokes aside, thanks for letting me be part of this league, it’s a ton of fun with awesome owners, and I look forward to doing next to nothing next year whilst sipping from the Anze Cup!!

Swayze out.

Great stuff.

JM