The Season Starts Now

Welcome to the beginning of the Anze Cup playoffs, or the beginning of the fantasy hockey season if you aren’t a loser.  The matchups are set (I think) and the stakes are high; 5 of the 8 teams in the playoffs have never had the honor of raising the Anze Cup, and this year might be the year one of them enters the halls of immortality.  Lets take a look at the first round playoff match ups:

1. Hatrick Swayze versus 8. Everett Silvertips (Regular season record: 20-6-10 for Hatrick Swayze)
I don’t expect this matchup to be close.  Swayze GM inherited a playoff caliber team, drove it into the ground, and through complete luck, has built the President’s Trophy winner.  Two of his luckiest moves include drafting perpetually underwhelming Elias Lindholm, who suddenly found Jesus on the ice, and, ironically, getting Kucherov for a box of cracker jacks from, ironically, the Everett Silvertips.  Hatrick has deftly taken advantage of the rental concept to build a team stronger than he would have ever been capable of doing, and this is his one shot.  The Everett Silvertips are old, tired, washed up, and probably have some sort of organ failure.  They are basically the Nick Nolte of this league.  Sad.

Prediction:  Over before it starts, Hatrick sleepwalks in the next round winning 12-2-4.  Halifax Highlanders GM Dave Dugan cries a bit, regretting giving up a stacked team many moons ago.

2. Mitch Please versus 7. Anzoolander (Regular season record: 17-9-6 for Anzoolander)
Perennial powerhouse Anzoolander limps into the playoffs going up against a team that is turning it on.  None of that matters, wanna know why?  Mitch Please GM Ryan Zupan is an Oilers fan.  If there is one thing the Oilers and their fan base know how to do, it is misuse immense talent and lose.  This is going to be a close battle, but I smell an upset.  Or is that the oil sands.  Either way, Alberta sucks.

Prediction: Anzoolander “upsets” Mitch Please 7-6-3.

3. The Champs versus 6. Captain Slanty Eyes (Regular season record: 7-5-4 for The Champ)
At this point Slanty Eyes zipperhead of a GM Bert Fong has done so much to help The Champs’ GM Luke Mackinnon that I would not be surprised if Bert just benches his team this week.  I think Bert has a real shot, only because The Champ is coming into the playoffs as arguably the coldest team (and by arguably, I mean obviously.  Nice President’s Trophy collapse).  I am eager to see the outcome of this one. Also, it would be absolutely hilarious if Bert wins a playoff round, especially against his Trade rapist.  That would be justice.  Hashtag me too.

Prediction: Captain Slanty Eyes with the upset, 7-6-3.

4. Halifax Highlanders versus 5. Three off the Tee (Regular season record: 9-7-0 for Three off the Tee)
Halifax Highlanders GM David Dugan managed to take a perennially awful team and turn them into a playoff team his first year back in the league (welcome back, btw).  Three of the Tee GM has been tantalizing close to the Anze Cup, usually at his brother-in-laws watching Jesse drink out of it, but still.  The first thing that jumps out at me for both teams is absolutely nothing.  I mean it, neither team is remarkably and they are both middle of the road.  I am picking the winner of this matchup based on the smell of my fart I am about to let out; rotten egg to Halifax Highlanders, vomit/shit mix to Three off the Tee.

Prediction: Man that was a warm one.  Smelled like an abandoned chicken coop in Chernobyl.  Halifax Highlanders win it, 8-4-4.

For the rest of you losers, congratulations on sucking balls.  Except you Jody, welcome.  Hope you enjoyed it and expecting big things out of you in the future.  For all of you bums, here is your draft picks for next year, as well as dues owed this year.  YOU HAVE TWO WEEKS TO PAY ME VIA PAYPAL at PUCKYOURSELF AT LIVE DOT COM.  Failure to pay will result in a drop in the draft order by one place.   On PayPal, select send money to a friend, and if paying by credit card, you absorb the credit card fees, not the league.  As always, each team gets a certain number of balls in the lottery depending on their finish, as stated in 7.2 of the League Charter:

Draft Pick Team Dues Owed 1 Super Sperm (had 19 balls) $71.50 USD 2 2 Bills 1 Barzal (had 24 balls) $62.80 USD 3 Lokomotiv 2138 (had 14 balls) $85.05 USD 4 Hellcunts (had 29 balls) $101.00 USD 5 Fresh Action (had 9 balls) $63.00 USD 6 Jesse Loves Paymon (had 5 balls) $64.50 USD Thank you all. Best of luck to those in the playoffs. JM

Another Season in the Books

What an Anze Cup Final.  What started out looking like a boring blow out did a complete 180, and the Combo Classic Champs came roaring back to utterly dominate Anzoolander.  I don’t think i have ever witnessed such a disparity in fantasy hockey management skills.  The better team won.  More importantly, the better GM won.  Well done Luke.

And with that, here is the traditional letter from the Anze Cup Champion, Luke “Iambic pentameter is my spirit animal” Mackinnon:

At last . At long last.

I hear the beers just taste better when drinking from an Anze Cup. This is something that I am really, really, really, looking forward to. The other thing would be that moment when GM Poolander starts to boast about his cups, and how delicious the cold beer goes down in them … now I will sit smugly with my own pint and say “yes… yes indeed Poolander.” One of the best things this league has done is to allow Champions to keep their crowns.

When I came into this league, I thought to myself, ‘what a bunch of chumps – this should be easy… what could an Asian, a Texan, a couple of over the hill Americans, some arrogant rich kid, and an Ape, possibly know about fantasy hockey. A couple of years later and a couple of first place finishes but getting the boot in the playoffs, was becoming frustrating to say the least.* Not as easy as it might seem. What has made up for it is the witty banter and night time reading I get from the WhatsApp chat… that alone makes this pool worth being a part of. You are a good group of characters, and I love being in this hockey pool!

*Side note: It makes me wonder what the over/under would be on when the most confident fantasy hockey GM ever to grace us with his presence  wins his first Anze Cup; When can GM Hattrick Swayze put together a winning team, or will he just continue with the trend of playing with fantasy AIDS? #winning 

via GIPHY

When I look back at this year’s draft, I begin to wonder how this was the year. I see what a disaster I made of the draft. Seriously disgusting. Most of my picks did not make the final roster, and I only had one trade all year long that I can remember. My keepers carried the weight, like they should, leading to being undefeated in the last 7 weeks of the year. My goalies went 13 wins in 15 games in the playoffs. I stole the PPP categories from my opponent’s grasp.

The only team worth the battle this year is the team I met in the finals, as it should be. Kudos to GM Cook and his Poolander squad. 3 GWG, 1 SHG, and 2 shutouts, all by day two is a heck of a way to start the week. My team knew what was on the line, and they were relentless every night in their comeback effort. Watching Mcdavid get 10 points in the week, and take over the NHL scoring race was something else to watch. Mcdavid for President. Combo Classic Champs for life.

GM Mackinnon out, and open for business. Who wants a champ on their team?

Great stuff Luke, enjoy those cold beers.

The Championships are here.

This is it, the Anze Cup finals.  The two teams in the finals are hardened warriors, going through the gauntlet to get here.  The teams knocked out in the playoffs, congratulations, your reward is zero praise, worse draft picks than if you missed the playoffs, and nobody will remember a damn thing about you.  Not dissimilar to your life.

As always, lets get started with a good championship week speech, probably what Jesse is giving his team right now:

Now lets go over to see what Luke is saying to his team:

And with that, lets look at the two teams in the finals:

Fat Ugly Version of Anze Kopitar aka Anzoolander:

The President’s trophy winner looks for his third title and has brought a cast of characters that are in pure veteran all-star mode.  With an average age of 35 (estimated) this team is looking to go out as a dynasty before imploding from old age.  In an unprecedented move, GM Jesse Cook is starting three d-men, going for volume versus stats.  Granted, this is the same person that basically failed Grade 12 math, so lets do a quick calculation based on the last 14 days’ stats.

0.51 average points x 4 games = 2.04 points

0.83 average points x 3 games = 2.49 points

Final answer  = Palmieri > Ekman-Larsson.

Hope it works out for you.  Also, who doesn’t want Luongo to win something?  Anything.  Love that guy, I am routing for you.

Henry McDavid Thoreau aka Cryrant aka Combo Classic Champs

Luke Mackinnon has finally made the Anze Cup finals, after being eliminated in the semifinals the past two years and losing in the Anze Cup finals three years ago.  This team is stacked, and should be considered the heavy favorite.  But lets look at a few numbers:

.885, .893, 882.

Martin Jones’ last three games.  Other than Ben Bishop, the biggest headcase among starting goalies in the NHL.  Coupled with the fact that the other goalie is a Russian, and Russians fold like over-payed primadonnas cheap suits, the goalie categories may be a cause for concern in the finals.  Granted, goalie categories are only 33% of the total scoring, but the more you have to lean on your offense to cover for your defense, that is always a risk.  But Cook is starting three D-men, so I am sure it is fine:

Prediction:

A repeat of the 2014 finals.  Last time they met this season, Anzoolander dominated and guess what?  Cryrant put up absolute dumpster fire stats in net, getting swept in the goalie categories.  Yet, Anzoolander rode the “elite” skills of Josh Bailey, who has the exceptional talent of once being line mates with John Tavares.  Bailey had 8 points that week, but has 5 in the last 12 games, which shows Garth Snow didn’t want to overpay him in the future, took him off Tavares’ line, and now he sucks.

So the last match isn’t really a proxy.  My prediction is that Bad Poets Society comes out firing on all cylinders and dominates.  The team is stacked and for this team to win it doesn’t need a lot to go right. Rather, to lose, it needs a lot of go wrong.  That is an enviable position to be in, and is definitely an advantage.  My final call is Sailing When They Should Be at Work wins 8-4-2 and a new Anze Cup Champion is born.

Best of luck gentlemen.

JM