Black Balls

DISCLAIMER: This article does not go into detail about the state of Jesse Cook’s testicles after dry humping his “coworker” Paymon. Instead it deals with something much more serious, or hilarious, or both.

With the flurry of trades that have occured in this year (Steve Mason for Martin St. Louis, Ilya Kovalchuk for Marc-Andre Fleury and Alexander Frolov, Bill Guerin and Dion Phaneuf for Bryan Little and Nicklas Lidstrom, etc), this league has shown to be one of the most freewheeling, strategic league in years. Unfortunately for one manager, he is spending most of the season on the outside looking in.

“I don't even care anymore...I say go for it,” depressingly resigns Anzoolander manager Jesse Cook after the staggeringly retarded trade between RoBERTo LuFONGo and George McPhee (manager Cole Ballard even said “This was a total fire sale. I don’t care about winning”) that saw Jeff Carter and Pavel Datsyuk go to RoBERTo LuFONGo for Alexander Ovechkin. Jesse had made several offers for Carter and Datsyuk, but had had no such luck in coming to an agreement with George McPhee, or anyone else for that matter. What is it that prevent all other managers from dealing with Jesse Cook?

“The difference between me and Cook... I try to address other teams needs when proposing a trade,” says The Plumber’s manager Steve McIntyre. Anzoolander Killer manager Scott Freeland comments “I chirp Cook so much because he trade offers are so horrible.” Cole Ballard, the manager who Jesse offered so many, many proposals for and was able to get zero trades through the league office said the Jesse just kept offering the “same crappy deals” and had the managerial skills of an “ass clown.” When asked to comment on all the trades he has seen proposed by Jesse, League Commissioner and Ottawa HC manager Court Watson would only comment that the trades were “interesting” (and then proceeded to say right after that by interesting he meant shitty).

As you can see from the comments by other managers, there really is no good reason why Jesse can’t get trades to go through, it is just one of life’s pleasant mysteries. Will the rest of league see the true value of Anze Kopitar and help Anzoolander stop their downward spiral down the league standings?

“My team is getting an overhaul” monotones Jesse Cook. With nobody willing to trade with him, the league is definitely curious as to how.

SAY IT AIN’T SO

Right after being traded to Mystery Eskimos, Bryan Little suffered a rib contusion and is day to day. Said former owner Cole Ballard, “flippin’ sweet.”

Rick Nash also banged himself up running into the boards, depleting Mystery Eskimos even further. Manager Caleb Widen believes that Nash is just “being self-preserving".”

Marion Gaborik is out again for an extended period. He is now officially the most talented pussy ever in the NHL.

Rumor has it that Roberto Luongo is close to return. This makes the Plumbers even scarier.

Andy McDonald is also close to returning off the IR. He will still be considered dead weight. Maybe Anzoolander manager Jesse Cook can offer him for Henrik Zetterberg. That sounds about right.

Power Rankings: Week 13

Does anybody really care about the NHL this week? As We still suck manager Cole Ballard aptly put it, the World Junior Semifinal between Canada and Russia was “probably the best game I have ever seen.” Lots of young talent in that tournament that will ultimately decide these power rankings in the not too far off future, and this blogger cannot wait for the Gold Medal game Monday night.

1. Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop – Somebody beat this team…please. Those good ol’ boys from Mystery, AK will have to step up this week.

2. WONDERS ON ICE – A potential championship preview this week between RRD and WOI left more questions than answers with the result ending in a virtual stalemate. Looking weak in net, WOI made a deft move trading for Marc Andre Fleury to prevent his team’s back end from being as loose as Jesse Cook’s after a night with Paymon.

3. The Plumbers – A bit of a hiccup this week, playing against the volatile Eeeeehhhhhh. His team still put up very strong numbers and is poised for the upcoming clash against the now very hot Anzoolander Killer.

4. We still suck – Snuck out a win this week, and a couple of trades and pickups leave the rest of the league interested to see what this team will do in the next few weeks. The mastermind behind a three team trade that saw a total of 7 players trade hands, one can only ponder if manager Cole Ballard is a genius, insane, or both.

5. Mystery Eskimos – Manager Caleb Widen is quietly working behind the scene to rebuild this team, is he doing enough to make it a contender for the championship?

6. Eeeeehhhhhh – With too many players on one team being relied upon, this team can be one the best teams in the league one week and one of the worst the next week. If GM Matt Welsh gets the right timing, he could walk away with it all.

7. Anzoolander Killer – Three wins in a row, buoyed by the unreal goaltending from both Steve Mason and Mike Smith. He absolutely shit-kicked Anzoolander for the second time this season in the past week, which led GM Scott Freeland to declare, “My best is better than (his) best"!”

8. RoBERTo LuFONGo – This team didn’t show much this week, but luckily didn’t need to. When you play the team with the worst +/- in fantasy history and the goalies who let in all those goals, you should win handily. RoBERTo won, but just barely.

9. Ottawa HC – This team made some major moves this week, picking up Ilya Kovalchuk, Ray Whitney and Dion Phaneuf. That won’t be enough though. Unless GM Court Watson’s top two draft picks significantly pick it up, he might as well just release his entire team to free agency and settle for last.

10. Anzoolander – When you lose badly to last, you are usually last, and this team is last. Tim Thomas is a backup, Jean-Sebastien Giguere is on his way to being a backup, and GM Jesse Cook dealt away young talented multi-position forward Kris Versteeg for some old, oft-injured geyser. On top of that, he benched his favorite player, Anze Kopitar, after getting into a heated locker room argument over who was uglier and who Paymon loved more. Fortunately this team has a shot at holding on this week against Ottawa HC, but true playoff contenders this season have shown that this team is run worse that the Blackhawks under Bill Wirtz. As Steve McIntyre, Manager of the Plumbers noted in this blog’s last column, “As a GM, Jesse Cook does not have a clue.” He also licks Paymon’s ass with his tongue.

New Year’s Resolutions

What a week of hockey it was, bringing in a promising 2009. With the NBA producing a close to garbage product and the NHL starting to pique the interest of casual fans, this could be a banner year for the NHL and as a result, fantasy hockey. With this is mind I have come up with a few resolutions for the new year.

1. The NHL should foot the bill and buy 3 HD cameras for each team’s coliseum, free to use by anyone who will broadcast the game, even if it is BET or Oxygen. HD has done more for hockey than any other sport, and the limited HD capabilities of Versus is limiting the league’s potential. All hockey games should be required to be shown in HD. Period. End of Story.

2. The Winter Classic was a huge success, but a portion of that success was due to the hype created by the previous year. To me, they weren’t even close. I mean, you had a tight game that went to shootouts with the NHL’s poster child scoring the winning goal on the final shootout attempt? In HD? In a snowstorm? The game this year was good, but not great, and the aerial shots showed not even a flake of snow around Wrigley Field (were those white tarps covering the field to make it look like snow?). My resolution is to formally propose that Montreal plays Boston in the next Winter Classic, at Fenway Park, excuse me, Fenway Paaahk.

3. If you travel 1,772 miles to watch your favorite team get their dicks stuck in their own arses, you should be made fun of. Say hello to Jesse Cook.

4. Hopefully, the popularity of the NHL has given some power at the bargaining table. When they renew their agreement with Versus, instead of promising everything from revenue sharing to complimentary Dirty Sanchez’, they should ask for the World Juniors to be part of the package. Not only are these kids extremely talented, but they are the future faces of the NHL, the sooner the US fans see them, the better. Look at this goal, and tell me that is was on regular cable in HD that it wouldn’t have been all over Sportscenter, instead of being completely ignored:

5. Even if the US is completely upset and knocked out of the World Juniors, they should still play a final game against Canada after the gold medal game….I just like watching them get their asses whooped by the friendly neighbors from up North.

6. Scott Freeland should be required to submit a weekly quote on his team. Before he submits, somebody should get him riled up by talking about how big a ghetto Cleveland is, how Andy Kordyban flaked out on his wedding, or how Eric Staal is now on fire. Memorable quotes from Scott include “FUCK YOU,” “Who the fuck is Jonah anyways? Like I need another person's opinion on how awesome my Fantasy Hockey Team is doing on a weekly basis,” and the infamous “p.s. Merry fucking Christmas.” A talent like this should be encouraged and shared.

7. All trades should be public to the league when proposed, and each manager should be required to submit an opinion on the trade. A recent trade proposal that was heartily laughed at was from…wait for it, wait for it….Jesse Cook, manager of Anzoolander, offering Nicklas Backstrom, Anze Kopitar, and Tim Thomas for Pavel Datsyuk, Jeff Carter and Ilya Bryzgalov. Said Cole Ballard, manager of We still suck, “This is the same crappy deal from before except he added Thomas for Bryzgalov.” Steve McIntyre, manager for The Plumbers and an impartial observer to this trade commented “As a GM, Cook simply does not have a clue. Quote it.” Is it just me, or does Nicklas Backstrom bear a striking resemblance to Bah humbug BITCHES manager Scott Freeland?

8. If you miss the draft for the fantasy league, you pay double the entry fee. Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop manager Mike Gaunt and WONDERS ON ICE manager Zach Gray both skipped the draft and let Yahoo! do its thing. They are currently 1 and 2 in the league, the rest of the managers are dumbasses.

9. Goals Against is a stupid category, it should be abolished. A team could have two goalies start 5 times, have 2 shutouts, 3 1 goal games and if the team they are playing has only one start where they allow only 2 goals, they lose that category. It is dumb.

10. If you miss the playoffs in any given fantasy year, you must present your case to the rest of the league on why you should be allowed to participate the following year. This should be done at a bar, and the presentations should include at the very least a slide show and a generous bar tab. Just a suggestion.