Thursday, March 16, 2023

A Champion's Message - A Repeat, and even more overdue.

 As is tradition in this league, the winner shares a few thoughts about the season, life, anything he damn well pleases. This year, Mitch Please GM Ryan Zupan successfully defended his title, and was thoughtful enough to share the below:

My cup runneth over, gentleman.  So I won a goddamn ‘nother.  Back to back, baby.  Ass to ass. 


Most you don’t know this, & will sadly never get to know it, but 2 cups perfectly fit 3 cans of beer.  There is absolutely nothing in this world like cracking a holy trinity of pilsners, turning on the ole Connor & Leon show, & cutting down fridge trips by 33%.  That energy savings goes straight into the Molson muscle.  A sign of wealth, they say...measure your success in belt loops, not bank accounts.

On Halloween you can duct tape them on & be Edward Steinhands.  Kids love it.  During road trips cars will literally speed up to get pics of guy pulling trailer double fisting Anze the giants, ripping the hip & living the Canadian dream.


Mitch Please is buzzing.  Boys are snapping it around.  We’re eating fruit.  Drinking green juices.  Off the hooch & firing the sauce.  The Russian wall is doing what the 2 best goalies in the world do & the man behind the curtain has assembled what very well should be the fortifying run of a dynasty.  We’re gonna take 3.  We’re gonna go for 4.  We’re getting cups for all the king’s horses & all the king’s men by the time this core hangs up the jocks. 

Speaking of jocks, you perverts let me know anytime you wanna come sniff the champ’s.

In all seriousness, Mitch Please rules.  Also, be better. 

In actual all seriousness, thanks for the banter you goddamn degenerates, thanks for the unsolicited takes, the bad jokes & even worse examples of human character you’re pumping out on the daily.  Thanks for telling me how much you all worship the Oilers & funneling a never-ending stream of reasons not to do any actual work throughout the week.  The Zupermensch have love for you all, which is weird considering I’ve taken more shits in Cabo today than hours spent with some of you in person. 

Gaunt, we’ll always be thinking of ya buddy.  Enjoy the view up there & laugh it up at all our disgusting behaviors & horrible GM moves.  We’re a cesspool of humanity.  Anywhere but this league is a better place so rest easy & send a little sugar down ole Mitch Please’s way.  I’d sure love to bookend the Anze chapter & welcome the Gaunt Cup into eternity.  The “Gaunt handshake.”  Gripping the cup for the 1st time & touching Elysium. 

Life’s short boys.  Make it count today.  Zupermensch out.


    



Tuesday, March 14, 2023

Playoff Preview: Round One

It is that time of year again, springtime. After a hard winter, the hardiest of life is shaping into form. As in life, fantasy hockey is no different. The league has culled the complete losers, and the remaining teams will now battle it out for the Gauntlet.

Spring is personified with change, and this year, that change is bittersweet. No longer the Anze Cup, the championship has a new name in honor of The Krakheads former GM, Mike Gaunt. Everyone knows Mike as a lover of prime rib and red wine who could give as well as he could take. The thing I will always remember about Mike is he read every single word of every single Harry Potter book to his son as his son was growing up, and how Mike said it changed his relationship with his son. I’m glad he was able to beat cancer back, if only for that period of time.

Welcome Rick Grady as the new GM of the Krakheads, you have big shoes to fill.

It’s an exciting time. Significant others of those still in the playoffs get to hear just a little bit more every day about something they could not care less about. And with that, lets look at the first round matchups.

1. Mitch Please versus 8. Zero Hit Wonder (Regular season record: 13-12 for Zero Hit Wonder)

Is there a more apt name for the team managed by GM Ryan Schauble? Low risk, low reward, that team is about as interesting as a treasury bond and like a long-term treasury bond, as the world changes it becomes a liability. This year was different, believe it or not. All but two starters in the top 150 (more than Mitch Please, btw). So where has it all gone wrong? Schawful management. Six goalies on the roster. Six. The best bench player on offense is ranked 251. There are over 25 players who are healthy and available ranked higher. And to top it all off, this team started a player with one knee this week. Doomed to fail. Another year, zero impact. Mitch Please continues to roll on winning the President’s Trophy for best regular season performance. Like any top team other teams will step their game up just a bit to beat this team, but this week that other team won’t have enough. There are whispers of dynasty when this team comes up in one-way conversations between league GMs and their significant others. Paymon just rolls his eyes because Jesse won’t shut the fuck up and play the role of big spoon quietly.

Prediction: Mitch Please over Zero Hit Wonder – 8-6-2


2. The Krakheads versus 7. Anzoolander (Regular season record: 7-7)

Veterans and average goaltending, two teams built very similar. One built methodically, one built sacrificing the first three rounds of the draft next year. Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook has proven this year his roster building skills through trades are on par with his drafting skills. Maybe the least interesting of all matchups, two teams of players who are past their prime, grinding it out. Teams like these two rely on one thing; volume. The more games, the better the chances. With that, I like Anzoolander in this matchup with 4 more games this week.

Prediction: Anzoolader over the Krakheads – 8-5-3


3. Hellcunts versus 6. Suck My Deke (Regular season record: 14-12 Hellcunts)

If I never hear another word about Tage Thompson I will be a happy man (my pronouns are fuck you/fuck that/fuck off). Hellcunts have a great offensive team. So does Suck My Deke. GM Jody Evans went all in before the trade deadline, selling the future to buy immortality. I love it. I expect the winning team in this matchup to have a GAA of about .650. Awful goalies both of them but as Mike Gaunt once said, “goalies don’t matter.” So we have two teams that will be emotional roller coasters the whole week. It's funny how like dogs, fantasy hockey teams often reflect their owners.

Prediction: Suck my Deke puts up a good battle, but Hellcunts are too prolific on offense, with Hellcunts winning 7-6-3


4. Blades of Steel versus 5. Jesse Loves Paymon (Regular season record: 14-13, Blades of Steel)

Not to diminish other players on Blades, but isn’t the first thing everyone look at on this team is how many games McDavid has (it is three, one against Seattle, which has an average goals against per game of eleventy)? GM Luke Mackinnon continues his ways of making successful trades to round out his roster and this season was no different. The standings probably mask how deep this team is. Conversely, Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre has built a boring team that is exactly in the standings where it should be. The only way this even appears close is if Otter has a good week (which has been rare since he was traded) and JLP picks up some goalie categories.

Prediction: Otter does pick up some goalie categories, and it looks closer than it is. Blades of Steel wins 9-4-3


Good luck to everyone.

Sunday, December 5, 2021

A Champion's Message, Long Overdue

As a result of multifactor authentication hell, forgotten past words, unrecognized devices, and generally fuckery on behalf of myself, we FINALLY have the Champions message to share. At least he got his Anze Cup somewhat timely.  Enjoy this bit of poetry from defending champion, Mitch Please's Ryan Zupan:

There are few key moments in a man’s life that he takes to his grave & savors with the final exhale… his first beer, first bang, first threesome, first tag team threesome, his first time out with Combo, first fish, first kill, first Swedish kill, first Asian kill, first kill in a hot tub on the field of an Edmonton Eskimos game (don’t cancel!), and at the top of the list, the first championships…

With some men the list of wins fills up an entire lifetime that’s relived & savored like a dripping piece of brisket on a Sunday smoke sesh.  With some men that final moment has enough wins to last for eternity.  Some call it heaven. 
 
For the 13 degen GMs who lay beneath Mitch Please, on their death beds they shall see this face when they scroll past 2021.  The face of a champion:


Winners fucken win, boys.

14 GMs, one cup.  I like my cups Anze’d, hows about you? 

I actually felt bad so splurged & got you all one of your own:



It took a global pandemic to take last season’s championship run from me (and I will most certainly be etching 2020 onto this year’s cup, you can bet on that).  This season, not even the Fauci fiends themselves could stand in the way.  I’ll take my coronas.. WITH A LITTLE BIT A' LIME IN MY ANZE BABY.

Consider this, the Deutsch dangler Leon (the Professional) Draisatl & Meeeech Mahnah, franchise cornerstones, were picked up off the goddamn waiver wire.  Whaaaaat a bunch of idiots.  Jerry Seinfeld once said, ‘Adjacent to refuse is refuse.’  I am here today to tell you that I ate that éclair & lllllloved every minute of it.  The only refuse here IS the 13 GMs who will watch me guzzle pilsners from this beauty for the next lifetime. 



Shout out to the greasy cogs who keep this trash machine churning.  Except you, Court.  You suck.

This cup shall never runneth over (because I drink like a goddamn man & stay on top of that shit).


-Z