The Best & Worst from the Draft

It has been a while since I have posted anything other than power rankings. The main reason for lack of solid content is that I have made all of five cents in advertising and as a result, have a day job that takes most of my time and energy. As a reminder, please support this blog by visiting the sponsor links in the top right corner and after every post (yes, that was shameless begging).

Let’s face it; the draft can be a crapshoot. Yahoo! uses some super geeky complex formulas to create predictive rankings for the players at the beginning of the year, but c’mon, those rankings often overvalue or miss half of our starting rosters in place by this time in the season. This week, I will share some of the best and worst draft picks in Puck Yourself, based on stats, rankings, and most importantly, my personal opinion.

The Best

3. Patrick Marleau and Zach Parise (tie) – Andre Poodle Lussier and GM Anze Backup – Marleau’s renaissance is to be expected due to his strong performance 2 years ago, but GM Matt Welsh picked him up 115th overall and is now currently ranked 18th. Great job by Welsh to sell him very high and gain a quality forward and solid netminder. Parise has been a bigger surprise, who has more points already this season than his total for either of the previous two seasons. GM Steve McIntyre could not be more happy with Parise's production, noting that he is as “much improved this year as (Steve Shankopotamous GM) Jesse (Cook) is uglier.” Whoa, that is a lot.

2. Phil Kessel – HANK’S AUTOSHOP – Finally becoming the goal scorer the Boston Bruins saw when they drafted him in 2006, Kessel has benefited from another team who has seen a meteoric rise in talent this year. Taken 148th and ranked 44th, credit really can’t be taken by GM Zach Gray. When asked if he participated in the draft, he replied “my job is to surf Facebook for a living, why would I care about a military draft?”

1. Rob Blake – RoBERTo LuFONGo – This geyser has had a resurgence in his career, but who hasn’t on this dynamite San Jose Sharks team? Ranked 35th by Yahoo! this season and drafted as a last second flier, going 161st out of 170. Finally, something manager Bert Fong hasn’t fucked up.

Some draft picks have been downright embarrassing. When looking at the quality of draft picks and current rankings, this writer excluded those who have seen significant injury time (or else Gaborik would have worst pick, hands down) and netminders, since goalies are a different dynamic and really can’t be compared to offensive players. Note the trend in the following three candidates.

3. Eric Cole – Steve Shankopotamous – Carolina dumped him for a reason. Drafted 97th and ranked 201, another “interesting” (and by interesting I mean shitty) pick by GM Jesse Cook. SS got alot of value out of him, as he rode the pine most of the time and then was dropped for Dustin Byfuglien because Cook “liked Byfuglien’s versatility.” Apparently having zero production from a player who can be put into a forward or defensive position is a good thing…good call.

2. Brian Campbell – Steve Shankopotamous – Drafted 24th overall and currently ranked 146, he has underperformed in relation to GM Jesse Cook’s expectations. The most hilarious part about Cook’s management is that he dropped Duncan Keith, the Blackhawks other noteworthy D-man that was drafted 164th and is ranked 101. Noted Ottawa HC GM Court Watson, “He still starts Campbell, what a buffoon.”

1. Anze Kopitar – Steve Shankopotamous – Drafted 57th and ranked 105, this player might not have made the list if GM Jesse Cook hadn’t talked Anze up like he was the best thing since sliced bread. Offering him in trades as an equal to Jeff Carter, Pavel Datsyuk, Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, leaves this writer in awe. Even better, making the comparison that Anze Kopitar is to hockey what Larry Fitzgerald is to Football left all other managers rolling on the floor, laughing their asses off. For these reasons, this player is easily the worst draft pick of the 2008-09 Puck Yourself season.

SAY IT AIN’T SO

Thomas Vanek is out 3-4 weeks with a broken jaw. Maybe Jesse will compare him to Anquan Boldin, who actually had some balls and played with a broken jaw. Bizzarohawks, somehow defied odds, and are now worse.

Steve Mason is the second player this year to be diagnosed with mono…coincidence he contracts the kissing disease right after being traded to the fantasy team managed by a GM with a gay bullseye? I think not.

Alexander Semin is day to day with an injury to his vagina.

Robert Lang, the streaky Montreal Canadien, is out for the rest of the season with a torn left achilles tendon. One wonders if Cole Ballard hired Carl Spackler so “he’ll quit the game” and ultimately sabotage Steve Shankopotamous.

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Technorati Tags: NHL Fantasy Draft Results Injuries

Power Rankings: Week 18

Roast: an event in which an individual is subject to publicly bearing comedic insults, praise, outlandish true and untrue stories (and heartwarming tributes…but who are we kidding?). With this is mind, lets take a look at the week 18 power rankings.

1. Ottawa HC (Previous ranking 2): Despite the almost improbably comeback from last to the cusp of first, GM Court Watson still has the personality of John Wayne…in his current cryogenic state. Boom, roasted.

2. Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop (1): This team has sat on top of the league all year; it turns out GM Mike Gaunt was just standing on top of several phonebooks, ‘cause he is short. Boom, roasted.

3. RoBERTo LuFONGo (3): This team just traded for a backup goaltender to use as a starter. GM Bert Fong has 1 billion lookalikes, who are all just as unfunny as him. Boom, roasted.

4. Western WA Caps (4): This team has an awesome offense as of late, but just picked up Jon Quick, yes, that is right, from the Los Angeles Kings and designated him as the anchor of the team for the playoffs. This team has played the worst team in the standings the last 3 weeks, and this is the first week they beat one of them, Quick must be that missing link. GM Cole Ballard just bought a house for a shorter commute to his day job, but that office is moving and his commute is going to be 2 hours, one way. Boom, roasted.

5. Mystery Eskimos (5): I think GM Caleb Widen is related to Cole in a roundabout way, which means he will have to listen to Cole bitch about his new commute until the end of time. Boom, roasted.

6. Andre Poodle Lussier (8): With a shaved head you look like a short version of GM Anze Backup GM Steve McIntyre. Your bellybutton tattoo is also a gay bullseye. Boom, roasted.

7. HANK’S AUTOSHOP (6): This team is plummeting down the standings. GM Zach Gray’s occupation is to surf Facebook, but he still can’t properly manage this team. Boom, roasted.

8. GM Anze Backup (10): This team can’t put two solid weeks together to make a playoff run, and GM Steve McIntyre looks like Reginald (Red) Albert Forman, only with less hair. Boom, roasted.

9. Steve Shankopotamous (9): GM Jesse Cook’s ego has lead this team to a lackluster performance this week, as he has refused to deal players when hot and overvalued players he had drafted, often leading to semi-retarded trade offers and arguments. The only thing bigger than Cook’s ego is his undying love for Paymon (and his big ugly chin). Boom, roasted.

10. Bizzarohawks (7): This team corrects bad moves by making worse moves. One only needs to look to GM Scott Freeland to see where the bad decisions came from; he pays people money so he can run 20 miles or more (why doesn’t he just give me the money and I can kick him in the nuts until he vomits). To make things worse, his running hobby has giving him the build of Tom from Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. He’s fat. He looks skinny, but he is not. He also lives in Cleveland (see the clothing line here). Boom, roasted.

Power Rankings: Week 17

As we head into the home stretch of the season, a particular report from Media Day in Tampa Bay during this week’s Super Bowl XLIII festivities showed the uphill battle hockey still faces in the United States:

NHL Star Called Up To Big Leagues To Play For NFL Team

With that, lets take a look at this week’s power rankings.

1. Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop (previous rank: 1) – This team was lucky to play a very weak opponent this week, giving the players a chance to build some confidence, stopping the two-week losing streak. Facing the dangerous Andre Poodle Lussier this week, who has two hot goalies and 3 Detroit Red Wings with 4 starts. Needs a big win or else other teams will begin to lose their fear of going up against RRD.

2. Ottawa HC (2) – After a slow start to the week, came storming from behind to kick the living shit out of the Bizzarohawks, who up until this point had been on an amazing tear. GM Court Watson actually felt a little bad, because “win or lose, (Bizzarohawks) are based out of Cleveland, and I wouldn’t even wish that on my worst enemy.” Led by Sidney Crosby and Tim Connolly’s return from injury, and Jonathan Toews possible turn around midseason, this team is starting to look like the team to beat.

3. RoBERTo LuFONGo (8) – Solid performance this week by RoBERTo, but the inconsistency in net will keep this team from being a serious contender. Look for manager Bert Fong to fuck this team up royally in an attempt to add some depth in the back end.

4. Western WA Caps (6) – It has not gone unnoticed that this team is falling down the league standings at about the same pace that Jessica Simpson is putting on the lbs. Manager Cole Ballard is desperately hoping for a quick turnaround…for both his team and Tony Romo’s future fat ex-girlfriend.

5. Mystery Eskimos (4) – Quiet, under the radar and putting up solid numbers every week. If this team can make it into the playoffs it shouldn’t be overlooked as a darkhorse.

6. WONDERS ON ICE (3) – Western WA Caps GM Cole Ballard’s prediction that this team would miss the playoffs is starting to look eerily Nostradamus like, as this team continues its skid. Manager Zach Gray can’t explain the poor play, and is hoping for a turnaround this week against Ottawa HC. It will be interesting to see if the 3 former OHC starters now on WOI step up their play after OHC GM Court Watson described their play as “sucky.”

7. Bizzarohawks (5) – A crushing blow this week that may have put an end to this teams Cinderella run for the playoff spot. GM Scott Freeland tried to justify the loss saying “I forgot to change my roster after the all-star week, oops. Advantage, Watson.” Ottawa HC GM Court Watson simply laughed, retorting “the guys on (his) bench suck, would have made no difference.” All indications are that Court is right.

8. Andre Poodle Lussier (8) – “Go Fuck Yourself Fatty” – Court Watson, Ottawa HC GM

9. Prancing Pony (10) – Finally out of the cellar, as this team is starting to make a case for the 6th and final playoff spot. RRD manager Mike Gaunt is chomping at the bit at the prospect of slapping this team in the face with his man-bits in the playoffs and laughing all the way to the finals. This week is a big matchup and may ultimately decide the last playoff spot. Manager Jesse Cook was spotted in the Mt. Baker area this week; it is the 6th time he has been confused as Bigfoot in his young adult life (most times the confusion is due to how ugly he is).

10. GM Anze Backup (7) – This team is in dire need of a spark. Manager Steve McIntye may soon be forced to get over his unhealthy man-crush and deal his prized stallion, netminder Roberto Luongo, in the hopes of picking up pretty much anyone to replace any position on this team. Something needs to happen soon, or this team is hitting the links come mid-March.