Power Rankings - Week 14

It is now 2016....hip hip whore-your're gay (Steve). It is only fitting that the 2015 Anze Cup Champion (Anzoolander) along with the only person who he has zero comebacks against (Texans) will write the first co-Power Rankings after the Holiday Season. With only a couple months before playoffs, we will look to review and predict with 100% accuracy the recent transactions that have took place as well as point and laugh at Court for being so absolutely terrible at Fantasy Hockey.

Finally, a shout out to my other brother (who the fuck is Anze Kopitar) for a solid 10 year, 80 million dollar contract. God is he good looking. Like an Adonis.

1) Anzoolander (1) -

Ranked no.1 is the tired new dad AnzePoooolander. Fortunately for this GM, every team he plays, the opposing goalies coward to his highly talented offence. His goalie stats are atrocious being bottom 6 in 4 of 5 statistical categories. Counteracting this goalie debacle is an offensive juggernaut that is top 4 in 7 of 11 offensive categories. Look out when Price returns as this team could look to repeat as the Anze Cup Champion. He will likely screw it up this year having to focus more of his time on his daughters pooh than hockey!

2) Texans (2) -

This team is overall one of the strongest top to bottom rosters of any in GPY, which is sad as this GM still has no clue what hockey is even though he lives in Canada. Everyone knows the Canucks lost a legit stud in Schneider, but Double D is proving to be a solid #2 tender for this squad. Johnny Hockey is the real deal, but he is so small he'll probably die soon so that won't be good. It is good to see the Texans decided to bench Kris with at K "Keeper Obv" Letang this week and that is already paying dividends with 2 apples on Monday. These terrible moves will make it next to impossible for this group of non-stars who collectively aren't a bad squad to make it to the top and claim the greatest trophy in sports. However, with yet another win against a big time opponent last week (Don't you know I'm Loko) this team could surprise everyone (including the GM) come playoff time. But probably not.

3) Lokomotiv 2138 (3) -

This team is older than Paymon's ball sack. If they don't die from old age or break their hips before the playoffs then this team can be pretty good. Not Great, see last weeks shit kicking by the second ranked team. The massive trade in the off season giving up Connor McDavid is paying huge in the short term. Time will tell how that pays off. Looking good so far.

4) Philosopher Kings (4) -

This is a very generous ranking after a terrible win against a bottom feeder last week. The Kings goalies are solid but 18 points is simply an offensive offense. 5 goals in 81 shots is on par with the % of chicks its GM picks up at a Las Vegas Night Club. This is not good considering every single female in Las Vegas is there to bang. All of them. God I love Vegas. While Connor McPussy will be back sometime soon, it might not add enough offense to take this team to the promised land. However, rest assured this GM will be looking to wheel and deal to make this squad better and in our opinion is ranked #1 in this category.

5) Kane and She was Abel (6) -

This team baffles me as to how he is ranked so high, then I scroll down the list of bad players and see Patrick Kane. He is worth at least 3 normal players on his own. His lackluster team can make up the rest of the point differential by being mediocre. In saying that, this team only has 4 players over 30 points this season and one is 20 cent Kane. With only 1 starter in net, this team is sure to fall.

6) Hatrick Swayze (5) -

Beating up on terrible teams in recent weeks has Hatrick Swayze's GM Todd Toothill overly confident for all the wrong reasons. This squad is one goalie deep, and unless Crosby has 10pts a week this lackluster squad has all the makings of a first round exit if they make the playoffs. This GM sees his team like a Victoria Secret Model when in fact it looks more like a Venezuelan Swamp Donkey like the ones he used to take down in the bathroom at Bimini's. To his defense these bangs were all consensual as the women were all sober thanks to round after round of milk & grenadine shots. Brilliant move, golf clap. I digress....this team is in shambles, just like Chubbs Peterson's hand, and his favorite Giants player Jason Pierre-Paul.

7) Jesse Loves Paymon (8) -

This team has given up on this season and may still make the playoffs. That says a ton about the teams ranked below this team. This GM's only hope of winning the Anze Cup again is to have more kids. Every time he has a kid, he pays less attention to his team thus making his team infinitely better. Way to be a great dad. I commend you for that. Go Portugal!

8) Super Sperm (10) -

The fact that this team isn't ranked 15th after losing to the lowly ChingChong BingBong's might have everyone scratching their heads, however, with Ovi this team can still squeak into the playoffs. It really is a one man show as both goalies are terrible, C's are awful, LW's and dreadful, D is embarrassing and don't get me started about the bench. It would be prudent for Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble to get off his ass, stop watching re-runs of Blind Date and make a move or two. A good start would be Michael Stone to Everett Silvertips for Tyler Seguin as this will somehow make mathematical sense to Court Watson...lol...what a terrible fucking fantasy GM!!!

9) Me So Vyborny (9) -

This team is bottom 6 in 8 of 11 statistical categories for his offence and bottom 3 in 3 of 5 goalie stats. Just Terrible. The recent trade will help a bit but not enough to make the playoffs. Better make some more trades. 10 should do the trick.

10) ChingChong BingBongs (13) -

This is a huge jump for ChingChong BingBong's GM Bert Fong after a solid thrashing of Super Sperm last week. This ranking is also due to the terrible display of GM'ing by Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson after the (horrible) trade heard around the world. I asked Bert Fong if he had any insight on this trade and he replied "I spoke to Me So Vyborny GM Matt 'Daniel' and he said he accidentally sent Court the trade with just Barrie and a pick but forgot to add Phil Kessel. He knew Court would auto-delete the deal and would simply re-send, but to his amazement Court accepted the deal which was fucking hilarious and Matt celebrated with hookers and blow all weekend!" Moving along, Bert's worst enemy is himself and this was once again on display by trading away a 4th pick and some bum for Colton Parayko (who???) who is awful and only has marginal points due to early injuries on the STL blue-line. Ruckiry for Bert, Hornqvist and Lack are lighting it the fuck up this season which makes the Eichel trade for him that much sweeter. Just kidding. You suck Bert.

11) Everett Silvertips (7)

No words.

12) Kanucks (12) -

When you have Brian "The Wall" Elliott you are a really really really bad franchise. Unless you play Anzoolander in which case he plays outside his mind which is a foreshadow to this weeks matchup where the Kanucks will somehow win. All the while Kanucks GM will not be spending time watching the match, rather, watching people who aren't good at sports wear hilarious clothes running around like Orangutang's. Business is good though, and for that I give GM Dave Kitchen much respect. His team on the other hand I have no respect for...an utter embarrassment to such a rich and historic league. Get your shit together.

13) Connor McSaviors (11) -

I am trying to find a positive about this team. 10 beers in and got it, this team has a couple of young decent players. That's it. Better luck next year. I raise another beer in your epic failure!

14) Pistol's Hellcats (14) -

It was funny at first to have Pistol's Hellcats GM Pete Shpak ranked #14 due to the fact his team picture did not represent his team name. In a very short time his team has tanked so far that it now deserves the cellar dweller blow job tag, especially after tying the Kanucks last week with 14 total points. Yes, Holtby should and will win the Vezina. Yes, Lundqvist is uncomfortably good looking. But no, these are not enough to carry such a bad team that not only Justin Williams IS on your team, but is carrying your offense. If you see a child throwing a tantrum at the Main and Terminal McDonald's this week, it is probably an under 6 foot Pistol Pete losing it in the bouncy castle as he tries to figure out how to right this sinking ship.

The End

Power Rankings: Week 11

For this week’s installment, I present he of notorious head size, Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon:

Without further adieu.

This week's power rankings are different. Not different like the retard strength of Chris Thomas.  Different like Bert Fong's Penis.  Whatever that means.  

As a Vancouver Canucks fan (fuck you Cook) I enjoy reading a blog titled "The Provies".  There is no better post game entertainment than secretly reading this blog while receiving a "good night" blow job from your wife.  If you're not familiar with the Provies I encourage you to click the link below and have a read.  Be sure to focus on "BEST ANSWER" and note who won.  I know it's not a Boys' Co Billboard, but I feel I'm on way to celebrity status.

The Provies: Hats, Corsi wars and why the Devils get a big laugh at the Canucks expense | The Province

This week's rankings will have a little Provies flavor added to it.  More because I'd rather rip off someone else's work than take the time to create something myself.  Plus, I truly enjoy our WhatsApp group discussion and figure this was a great way to capture some highlights.

Pour yourself a drink Gents (mine is in my Anze Cup) and enjoy this week’s Power Rankings:  Provies Edition.

1. Anzoolander (2)

BEST INJURY

This team is a beast and will be for years to come.  Have you ever given thought to what will happen when Toews and/or Stamkos wake up?  What about when Price returns?  This is the best team in GPY and we we've yet to see its best.

2. Texans (1)

BEST TEAM?

Before tonight I agreed with most other GM's about this teams #1 ranking.  Loved this team going into the season and still love it now.  However a 9-4 pounding at the hands of 14th ranked Pistol's Hellcats cannot be ignored.

3. Lokomotiv (3)

BEST COMPARISON

At the start of the season I did not no what to think of this team. After week nine I'm now having nightmares about it.  Hopefully GM Cole Ballard breaks tradition and doesn't fuck things up by adding 3rd line Capitals players at the trade deadline. 

4. Philosopher King (5)

BEST STAT

This was suppose to be a rebuild year for GM Luke Mackinnon.  Have a look at his roster.  Looks more like a retool for complete dominance.

5. Hatrick Swayze (4)

BEST ANALOGY

I was in tears when I first read this.  Very creative, witty and a true zinger (Toots 1 - Pistol 0).  It's too bad Hatrick Swyaze's GM Tood Toothill's creativity ends here. This line-up has talent and potential.  Perhaps Toots should focus on improving his starting line-up rather than masturbating to the final scene of Dirty Dancing.

6. Kane and she was Able (6)

BEST RAPIST

This team will go as far as Patrick Kane's lawyer will take them.  This team is 6-2-2 through the first 10 weeks and is patiently waiting to rape again.

7. Everett Silvertips (8)

BEST HAVE ANOTHER DRINK

The season this team is having should not surprise anyone. Just watch GM Court Watson's golf swing and then immediately look at his scorecard.  Million dollar swing, ten cent head.  This team is loaded with talent but it's GM doesn't have the mental capacity to do anything with it.

8. Jesse Loves Paymon (9)

BEST WTF

Ok I realize JLP got steam rolled two weeks ago and lost again this week.  But I cannot comprehend how this team posted 4-0 record the previous four weeks yet fell from fifth to ninth in the power rankings.  Eighth place is where this team should be ranked.  My prediction is it'll finish the season here.

9. Me So Vyborny (11)

BEST SHIT KICKING

14-0 this week vs Kanucks!  Ok not the strongest opponent but I'm not sure this league has seen 14-0 before.  Don't let this go to your head Matt.  You have ONE player ranked in the top 30 and your best goalie is Steve Mason.  Steve Mason.  

10. Super Sperm (7)

BEST RUMOR

For those who don't know Jesse's daughter was due Dec 15th.  In typical female routine she's late.  Yes Jesse I just chirped your unborn daughter.  Relax.  Pistol will do much worse once she's born.  You should hear what Pistol's said about Schauble's twins!  Remember that I don't start rumors, I just spread them.

11.  Connor McSaviours (12)

BEST I'M THIRSTY

I can't even name a player on this team.  So instead of looking up this teams roster, I'm going to pour myself another beverage.

12. Kanucks (10)

BEST NEGOTIATOR

I often question the commitment level of Kanucks GM Dave Kitchen to our league.  However Dave's trade negotiations for Mats Zucarello has me thinking otherwise.  Dave was working the phones hard with multiple teams including JLP and Anzoolander.  Dave was able to get the Everett Silvertips to up its offer and before we knew it Zucarello was traded.  While preparing to interview Tips GM Court Watson to get his thoughts on the trade, Court sent me this text… 

I accepted the bet.

13. Chingchong BingBongs (13)

BEST ANSWER

The future is a scary place. 

14. Pistol's Hellcats (14)

BEST PHOTO

Editor’s Note: Or this:

I agree with Toots.  Change your team photo Pistol.  Now you all have something to secretly look at while receiving your "good night" blow job this evening.  You're welcome.

Power Rankings: Week 9

Foreword (as written by Leonardo DiCaprio):

To preface this week’s rankings is a bit intimidating, to be honest. The world of fantasy sports is intriguing to say the least, but how does a grown man find the time to commit fully to the “sport”?

I wasn’t shocked to hear that Todd was valued high on the North American fantasy sports ranking chart, not in the slightest. I first met him in Las Vegas, oh, back in 2001 I believe. I was still trying to find my way as an actor, lost you could say. Both in the emotional state of where I was at in my career, and also in the physical state, as I was in the MGM Grand hotel, and shit that place is a fucking maze. Add in a couple of double vodka crans and I might as well have been Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Lost, cold (from the ecstasy), and confused.

And that’s where I first met him. He was holding court (not you Watson, you plug; http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/hold-court) at the craps table, 14 or 15 women surrounding him, enthralled with his every movement. And these were beautiful women, tall, buxom, not a shred of body fat except for their gigantic cans. And they hung on his every word, and had drew quite a crowd around him. Me being somewhat of a famous person at this point, would generally not think twice about introducing myself to anyone I deemed interesting to meet, yet with him I have to be honest it took a few minutes. Not because he seemed intimidating, but rather here I was, the star of Titanic, and these girls haven’t noticed I’m even standing next to him

We chatted for a few hours, it was intoxicating. Not so much the words he spewed but the impact of his delivery. I often joke with him that everything I learned about women I learned that night, but he’s too humble to let me tell it like that. So I will say that I’m forever indebted to him with respect to the success I’ve had with thousands of women. He’s a special man.

Leo

And with that, on to this week’s rankings!

1. Texans (1) –

Solid lineup top to bottom for this redneck GM. Hey look there’s a bird, let’s shoot it! While goaltending has been solid to this point (Jersey…really??), a Dubnyk injury is sure to slow this team down. Hey look, a cute deer, let’s shoot it! Giordano could be the bust of the year so far, but then again, who picks Flames players. Just downright awful. Hey let’s shoot that Gorilla! Oh wait, that’s my brother in law.

2. Anzoolander (3) – One bad week does not make a team. And there is way too much star power on this squad to slide any further in the rankings. Probably more to do with how awful all the other teams are then how good this one is. Unfortunately for this ape, deciding who’s going to start from week to week (Andersen or Gibson) will turn any man crazy, not to mention a Silverback!! Am I right!!?? This GM is so ugly it makes me cry. Have you ever seen him tinker with his lineup….it’s depressing:

3. Lokomotiv (4) – Goaltending wins championships. And if this team goes deep, it’ll be goaltending that got him there. Two rock solid teams to hitch your proverbial goaltending star to in Chicago and Long Island (Editor’s note:  Brooklyn). The old dogs of Zetterberg and Vanek will carry this team to the post season, but unfortunately it is at that moment that Darling gets the starts, and Halak will be injured. So close, you suck.

4.  Hatrick Swayze (7) – I know what you’re thinking, “Hey he can’t do that! He can’t rank himself 4^th because it’s his team, that’s biased!”. First off, yes I can. And B, shut up loser. Crosby, check. Quick, check. This team looks back on track, and after handing the former 1^st place team (Editor’s note: in record only) a huge beat down last week, look for this team to really make moves. Good on you, handsome.

5. Philosopher King (2) – Could potentially be ranked higher on this list, if it wasn’t for his stupid team name. Their music sucked. The movie sucked. You suck. A good mix of old and young talent, this season will inevitably come down to Martin Jones. You heard me correctly, Martin. Jones. Yeah, see you at the bottom.

6. Kane and She Was Abel (6) – Will the real Jake Voracek please stand up, please stand up, please stand up. Bust of the year candidate Voracek has a whopping one goal this year. A third of the way into the year, and you’ve got to think he breaks out of his funk. If not, this team is doomed for the basement, where Patrick Kane keeps the rape kit.

7. Super Sperm (5) – As solid of a D core you’ll find in this league, it’s too bad you can only start 4 of them (Editor’s note: you can start up to six). Another good mix of age and youth should see this team bounce up the standings once again. But Ryan Miller….yikes. It’s tough times ahead bro. A move or two to solidify a 2^nd top tier goalie and this team could really be something. But probably not.

8. Everett Silvertips (11) – How are you so bad? You have studs. Can’t you just land on a goalie and stick with it. This team has nowhere to go but up. Really, you should stick to beating women at virtual Wii Soccer.

9. Jesse Loves Paymon (9) – Mister average. I’m sure you’ll be ranked 9^th for the rest of the season. Way to go!

10. Kanucks (10) – If I could spear this team in the nuts, I would. And the fine would be money well spent. You have two back up goalies. Not backing you up, but actually starting for you. And that makes me sad.

11. Me So Vyborny (12) – Lots of good young talent, this team could make a name for itself in the future. But not this year. And not next year. Or the year after. In fact, I retract that. This team stinks.

12. Connor McSaviours (13)– Edmonton is in last place. Again. Which is where this oiler-humping GM should be. But he’s not because….well, look below him.

13. ChingChong BingBongs (14) – This is why. This is why Connor McShithead is not last place. Because of this dink.

14. Pistol’s Hellcats (8) – The 14^th ranking for this team is directly related to this team’s profile picture. Every week moving forward, this team will be ranked dead last until Pete changes his team’s profile picture to this:

Editors note:  Or this:

Well done Todd, great first effort.  JM.