The 2008-2009 All-Shit Team

Every year, there are players that fantasy GMs love to hold onto for no apparent reason whatsoever.  In an attempt to identify those special players, I introduce the inaugural Fantasy All-Shit Team.  Team is selected based on offensive player’s average ranking for the year, to account for solid players who have missed significant time due to injury, and goalie’s actual rankings for the year, because if I didn’t use actual, Josh Harding would be a god.

C – Keith Tkachuk (231) – Sergei Fedorov currently sits at 59, as I write this I wonder why Western WA Caps GM Cole Ballard doesn’t own Fedorov, but Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop should be playing Tkachuk…ever.

C – Chris Drury (269) – A player who has battled health issues all year, why wouldn’t Andre Poodle Lussier just swap him out for Tomas Plekanec, whose ranking for the season on average stats is 128?

LW – Markus Naslund (232) – Let’s face it, this player’s glory days are behind him. Ethan Moreau or Richard Zednik are easily more valuable than this giant pussy.

LW – Pierre-Marc Bouchard (215) – I have been scratching my head on the logic behind this one, and have come to the conclusion there is none, it is just Scott Freeland being Scott Freeland.  Did you know there are 3 Blackhawks alone that are eligible at LW and are better?  Definitely a keeper.

RW – Miroslav Satan (277) – Another Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop teammate (now at 3) who could be easily replaced.  I think he is on the roster just because of his last name

RW – Peter Mueller (250) – The 4th Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop entry.  While the talent on this kid is undeniable, it isn’t there this year fantasy-wise.  Jere Lehtinen or Bill Guerin would make better RW’s than either of these two. 

F – Brian Rolston (200) – Rolston has returned as a shell of his former self, and is relegated to checking lines with all the talent that has emerged on the Devils.  Ottawa HC GM Court Watson would be better off to ditch him and look at, well, almost anybody

D – Niklas Kronwall (241) – We all know Andre Poodle Lussier’s GM Matt Welsh loves the squid ink from any Detroit player, so we are assuming that is why he keeps Kronwall active.

D – Mathieu Schneider (386) – Much better options include Marek Zidlicky, Cam Barker and Joni Pitkanen…nice pickup Bert.

Util – Daniel Cleary (194) – Might as well hold a roster spot with Britney Spears or Anze Kopitar, next.

Util – Nathan Horton (187) –He went 3rd overall in the 2003 draft, and Ottawa HC is just waiting for him to show the talent that made him so highly touted.  It may never come.

G – Brian Elliot (389) & Peter Budaj (363) – Looks like Bizzarohawks wised up and dumped Elliot, but HANK’S AUTOSHOP is still holding on the Budaj.  For now, it appears Raycroft is the better option in the mile high city.  The trade deadline sweepstakes should get interesting, as new starters may emerge ready to sweep up.

The Playoffs Are Coming…

Ever wonder why Coors Light doesn’t do a commercial using hockey coaches’ interviews…

From Fantasy Hockey Scouts via Puck Daddy

Power Rankings: Week 20

Only 3 weeks of the regular season remain, and still no team has clinched a playoff birth. 15 points are all that separate 4th from 10th. Needless to say, this last few weeks are going to be tense, and expect to see a flurry of trades before the March 5th deadline as teams try to make one last playoff run. With that in mind, lets take a look at the power rankings.

1. Reggie ‘Reg’ Dunlop (previous rank, 3): Came out barely ahead in what may have been a championship match preview against Ottawa HC, led by strong goaltending and offense on the penalty kill. This week may secure a playoff berth as this team goes up against the downward spiraling Western WA Caps.

2. Ottawa HC (1): A very strong offensive performance wasn’t enough to carry weak goaltending. The prospects in net are looking up for this team, with Martin Brodeur announcing he is ready to play starting this week, Pekka Rinne getting another shutout and Jean-Sebastien Giguerre putting in 2 quality back to back starts. If the offensive can keep churning, this could be the team to beat.

3. HANK’S AUTOSHOP (2): Tough to say if the win last week was the result of solid play or weak competition. Either way, barring serious setbacks, this team should be around come March 16th.

4. GM Anze Backup (4): It isn’t tough to say that this team’s win was due to weak competition, but that doesn’t offset that fact that this team continues to be at the top of many statistical categories. Court Watson, Ottawa HC GM, has openly discussed the idea of benching all his players in an effort to be the 2nd or 3rd seed should GM Anze Backup look like it could slide into the 6th and final playoff spot.

5. Andre Poodle Lussier (7): An impressive win over RoBERTo LuFONGo this week, and now sits just 1 point out of the playoffs with this team’s easiest matchup of the year this week. The only question is if this team can rebound from losing team anchor Ryan Miller to a high ankle sprain (from his own fantasy teammate..ah, the irony).

6. Bizzarohawks (8): You can’t help but route for a team whose GM is the human equivalent of Eeyore. The decisions all year have been questionable at best, but a key win last week followed up by some strong play in the next few weeks could get this team in the playoffs.

7. Western WA Caps (5): Continues its meteoric slide down the league standings with a crushing loss this past week. Probably the most potent offense paired with the most pathetic defense, will GM Cole Ballard make that vital trade for a goalie who doesn’t suck donkey balls?

8. RoBERTo LuFONGo (9): On paper, this team should win more, period. Therefore, I see no other issue other than shitty management.

9. Mystery Eskimos (9): This team was manhandled this past week, and judging by GM Caleb Widen’s waiver wire transactions, is desperate.

10. Steve Shankopotamous (Dead ass last): Another week, another loss, another Lucky 8 pack. This year is getting costly, as both Ottawa HC GM Court Watson and GM Anze Backup GM Red McIntyre could both declare at the expense of GM Jesse Cook that they were “XX Luckys richer this week.” Not one to stay humble, Jesse recently let his sub par performance get to his head at a school reunion this past weekend, as documented by the former head of J.N. Burnett’s film club below: