The Stage Is Set

At about 12:30 pm PST, managers Mike Gaunt, Cole Ballard and Court Watson completed the lottery to determine draft picks?  Why did it take three?  Because nobody trusts anyone else, that’s why.  I think somewhere in there is the first light bulb/fantasy manager joke.  Below is the order of the upcoming draft, with reverse order in even numbered rounds. 

#1.  $0.20 Kane (Steve) – Which of the big 3 does he take?  My bet is on Crosby, because Steve is a jew.

#2.  Andre ‘Poodle’ Lussier (Matt) – This might not even be a big 3 pick, this one might go with Zetterberg or Datsyuk, since he would blow either given the chance.

#3.  Kanucks (Dave K) – most likely pick the last of the big 3, my bet is Malkin

#4.  Dave ‘Killer’ Carlson (Mike) – We could see the first goalie go here.  Standard wisdom says Luongo, but Gaunt wisdom says Nabakov.

#5.  Texans (Chris) – Your guess is as good as mine on what this pick will be.  Maybe Hunter Pence or Roy Oswalt.

#6.  Grand Rapid T-Hawks (Matt) – Should be interesting this draft, as both APL and this team are managed by Red Wings fans.

#7.  Suck It Trebek (Ryan) – Already completed one draft for a keeper league so has a leg up on the rest of us, look for some sleeper pick that one of his fantasy guidebooks tipped him on, like Leino.

#8.  RoBERTo LuFONGo (Bert) – Bertmetrics should be in full force here, and the end result will be Gaborik.

#9.  Oversized Gerbils (Jesse) – Gonna be a shame to waste such a high draft pick on a fuck face who punched a cabbie over 20 cents Blackhawk (see said homo below).

#10.  TBD (Scott) – I think we all know this isn’t going to end well.

#11.  Malkin in the Middle (Dave D.) – Both Malkin and Crosby will be gone, who’s next on the Penguins for this Pittsburgh native?  The guy who looks like he eats babies, Jordan Staal?

#12.  Amish Rake Fighters (Peter) – Three words for you, Yahoo! Auto Draft.

#13.  Montreal Wanderers (Court) – Gonna have to find someone who has breakout potential that isn’t overrated to compete in this spot.  Good luck.

#14.  The Moose Knubles (Cole) – I think it is safe to say that whoever this team takes in this pick, they will gladly deal them straight up for Semyon Varlamov, so grab Varlamov while you can.

Its A New Dawn, Its A New Day

Its a new year in fantasy hockey, and we have alot of new faces in the league.  Lets get things started by introducing the managers.

Court Watson - Claim to fame is owning shants and playing house league soccer. Previous 4 years of fantasy hockey includes 3 championships and one runner up.

Jesse Cook - Claims to have once been a male model, is believed that that job title was a cover for being the catcher in gay amateur porn. Best known for his obsession and likeness to Anze Kopitar

Steve McIntyre - Player most resembling humpty dumpty. Never seen a happy meal he could say no too. Mismanaged a talented team to last in the previous year.

Peter Burns - New to hockey, attempting to broaden his horizons as he lives in a one trick town, and that trick is the NBA, which isn’t very good. Thinks the two line pass rule has something to do with talking to girls with fake boobs for only so long before they put out.

Chris Thomas - New to Vancouver, attempting to assimilate as quickly as possible, though may never get rid of the accent when saying “Patrick Kay-un.” Also has the ultimate comeback when Jesse makes comments during the season about other people’s sisters.

Matt Welsh - Recently married so expected to spend much more time on fantasy hockey. Arguably the most boring person I know at all times (Court is more boring sober, but less boring wasted).

Ryan Schauble - Quilchena Club Champion, 2008 (after everyone decent has left).

Cole Ballard - Diehard fantasy sports nut, die hard Caps fan. Draft shitty Caps late and trade him for his first rounders…he will probably bite.

Scott Freeland - Fantasy ninja. Best known for not understanding the simplest of rules, unintentionally doing everything possible to come dead last, threatening to do everything to destroy Court Watson at least three times a season, and then getting blackout drunk and sleeping it off in a closet for three days.

Bert Fong – Stupid Asian.  Doesn’t defy the stereotype that Asians lack street sense, but does defy the stereotype that they are good at math.

Dave Kitchen - Soon to be Dave McIntyre. Some sort of aerobics instructor, big puffy socks and all. If he can’t take that joke, good luck with his new father-in-law.

Mike Gaunt - The silent defending champion. Put your crosshairs on this one boys.

David Dugan - Likes to say that he lives in Titletown; tough to argue with him. Is also openly gay, though only mentally, because he “blows your mind.” Also believes the only reason women say half of what they do is because they know they won’t be punched. I like him.

Matthew Meier – Another accounting geek, located in Spokane, Washington.  Hesitant to sign up for the league because he believes he “will get rolled” by more knowledgeable players.  When you are right, you are right.

Gonna be a great season.

Offseason Mail Bag

For a couple months, I have not know what to do with myself.  I spent a lot of time drinking, a lot of time eating, and a lot of time trying to build the tallest structure out of playing cards, ever.

So it is late on a Friday night, the heat is stifling, and I am watching my puppy lose his innocence Last Tango in Paris like with a stuffed version of the Obama dog.  It gives me a little bit of pleasure seeing Winston (Churchill, of course) dumbledorfing  Obama’s dog…almost ironic.

Fantasy hockey wise, I really have nothing to say.  NHL teams have made lots of moves, but lets save the analysis for people whose livelihood is to provide small penis bullshit insightful commentary on the fantasy impact of said moves.

Instead, I think this post will be my first official mailbag.  Stealing yet another idea from the Sport’s Guy.  Aaaaannnnnnd here we go.

Jonah, you are such a loser and have zero friends.  Go fuck yourself – Jesse

You bring up a fantastic point.  True, you love Paymon.  False, you don’t have a full head of hair.  True, you drive a girl car.  False, you don’t have the best hands in Richmond.  It takes a big man to admit all these things.  I am guessing that isn’t your style and you were coerced; Steve must have threatened to tell everyone of that ugly girl that one time…oops.

Look at my numbers, they are the best in the league.  I don’t know how I am not in first – Steve

Funny thing about numbers, they often lie to you when you are a fucking idiot.  Yeah, you started out the first four weeks on top of the numbers game, but by the end of the season, you had dropped to middle of the pack.  Do you realize how much you have to shit the bed to do that?  It is similar to Jean Van De Velde on 18 at Carnoustie, Ron Burgundy on air right after Baxter died, Roberto Luongo in Game 7 (we all know which one)…it is tragic.  So to answer your question, if there was one, it is: yes, I do see how you aren’t in first.

Jonah, can you get sick drinking piss? – Baio

Yup, even if it is your own.

Jonah, I am getting married to an actual woman this year.  Does that cancel out my gay bullseye? – Fatty

No, it looks like a cover.  Stop living in the 1952s and just come out already.

Jonah, I am concerned there is a direct correlation between penis size and fantasy hockey performance.  Thoughts? – Bert

I have thought long and hard (I know you get it) about this.  I don’t think so.  I think you make bad decisions because you are Asian.  Get an Asian involved with math that isn’t pure math and involves words, and they are fucked.  I mean like Nagasaki towards the end of World War II fucked.  Michael Jackson before his comeback tour fucked (too early?).  You get my drift.  Now excuse me while a pour a fresh drink.